04.16.11 fort funston

04.16.11 fort funston, a set on Flickr.

"i thought i could live without romance"

Maybe someday he will serenade me...on a trip to Graceland perhaps?

desire

I want you to need me.
I need you to want me.

serendipitous ways of discovery

Reveal/Conceal

Veil/Unveil

Hide/Disclose

See/Unseen

Surface/Inside

Glimpse/Gaze

Expose/Shelter

mirror glance

He asked about the future the other day. I had no answer. It is the first time perhaps that I’m caught off guard to such an inquiry. I’m trying to pinpoint exactly when the moving forward of time stopped for me. Of course I am propelled into the present every day when I wake up and go through the daily motions of work, the monthly necessary appointments, the yearly rituals of the holidays. One might call it living in the present but I somehow feel even slightly detached from that. It is easy to differentiate the past, a place long off. The present and future are not so distinct.

“For what is time? Who can easily and briefly explain it? Who can even comprehend it in thought or put the answer into words? Yet is it not true that in conversation we refer to nothing more familiarly or knowingly than time? And surely we understand when we speak of it; we understand it also when we hear another speak of it.

What, then, is time? If no one asks me, I know what it is. If I wish to explain it to him who asks me, I do not know…how is it that there are the two times, past and future, when even the past is now no longer and the future is now not yet?”(1)

Nearly 3 years past since I wrote the following: There still lies a distance between their gazes. He sees her & she sees him. Little by little they grow closer. Closer in love. Closer in thought. Closer in word. She looks into her magical one-eyed box hoping to see a future where that distance has been eliminated. The mirror whispers an answer into her ear saying, "Yes...yes...the time is fast approaching and it will be of lasting proportions..." She smiles. Her heart is happy and in the near distance she sees the smile on his lips. His smile reveals to her that the mirror has also told him of the very same secret.

Three years, and that small glimpse into the future (now past) has proven itself true in every way. Now if only I could again find that magic box and mirror that would divulge another glance into the present future (a glance captures more than a glimpse).

(1) from St. Augustine’s Confessions, Book xi, Chapter xiv entitled “Neither Time Past nor Future, But the Present Only, Really Is.”

time to begin again...not anew, just again

He looked at his own Soul with a Telescope. What seemed all irregular, he saw and shewed to be beautiful Constellations; and he added to the Consciousness hidden worlds within worlds." -Samuel Taylor Coleridge, "The Notebooks"

first days

intent on learning about this Wii thing..., originally uploaded by estimmel.

in the near distance

a rare january sunset

a rare january sunset, originally uploaded by prettyjjbean.

falling

It is such a wonderful, tender moment, when you fall in love. The duration of the falling itself is inexplicable. Sometimes it is a torturous tumbling of years, other times it is a fleeting moment of two pairs of eyes meeting on the street. But the feeling itself, once you have fallen lasts forever in your mind.

I remember the summer that I fell in love with John Keats. And today I remember him with more affliction than most days.

No, no! go not to Lethe, neither twist
Wolf's-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;
Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kissed
By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;
Make not your rosary of yew-berries,
Nor let the beetle nor the death-moth be
Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl
A partner in your sorrow's mysteries;
For shade to shade will come too drowsily,
And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<But when the melancholy fit shall fall
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Or on the wealth of globed peonies;
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.

She dwells with Beauty -- Beauty that must die;
And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips
Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,
Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips;
Ay, in the very temple of delight
Veiled Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
Though seen of none save him whose strenuous
tongue
Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine;
His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,
And be among her cloudy trophies hung.

-Ode On Melancholy by John Keats

suddenly i cannot work any more.

x marks the spot, originally uploaded by prettyjjbean.

Waiting for the peak can be risky. Once the peak is here the leaves are at a very tender stage. They dangle by a few molecules at the stem base where it connects to the twig. One good storm and down they come. Peak today, thunderstorm with winds and rain tonight, no leaves tomorrow. While the storm will not strip all the leaves off the trees, it will destroy the full glory of the peak's color. -taken from the Ozark Fall Foliage site

It's been raining for two days now.

unlike a parasite

unlike a parasite, originally uploaded by prettyjjbean.

As defined on wikipedia: "A Mutualism is an interaction between individuals of two different species, where both individuals derive a fitness benefit, for example increased survivorship. Similar interactions within a species are known as co-operation. Mutualism may be classified in terms of the closeness of association, the closest being symbiosis, which is often confused with mutualism. One or both species involved in the interaction may be obligate, meaning they cannot survive in the short or long term without the other species."

trapped inside the labyrinth

trapped inside the labyrinth, originally uploaded by prettyjjbean.

Sometimes it is difficult finding our way back through the mirror. As much as I desire to write here, to draw there, to photograph this, or cook that the hours and energy disappear without even trying. I'm trying to make an effort to push myself, to see things, to observe and become inspired. So often, it is easy to watch the weekend pass by in front of our laptops, catching up with rss feeds, doing laundry, watching Netflix tv episode after episode... Before we know it, Monday has arrived and our brains are still the same size as they were when we left work Friday night. I find myself in much better spirits walking and discovering, breathing the "fresh" air of New York streets and parks.

It would have been so easy just moments ago to drift off to sleep and let the day pass un-noted. I have to give myself a swift jolt and deny myself that pleasure for the moment. Instead tomorrow, I will be able to say I have written something. I have photographed something. I went somewhere. I did something worthwhile this weekend.*

*read this past week from The Healthy Brain Initiaive - A National Public Road Map to Maintaining Cognitive Health: "Mental health encompasses emotional functioning and the ability to think, reason, and remember (cognitive functioning). While standardized, widely accepted definitions of cognitive health have yet to be adopted, most experts agree that the components of healthy cognitive functioning include: language, thought, memory, executive function (the ability to plan and carry out tasks), judgment, attention, perception, remembered skills (such as driving), ability to live a purposeful life."

before i sleep

I've been trying hard (ok, well not hard enough) to finish Dave Eggers' You Shall Know Our Velocity. It has been neither difficult nor extremely exciting reading. I tend to grab the book just before sleep catches me by my eyelids, finishing only 10 pages or so a night, quite unlike my normal reading tendencies. Finally nearing the last 25 percent of the book and a couple passages have struck hard and true. One a gentle yet firm reminder that sometimes all the pieces of our knowledge don't add up to equal anything understandable. Another, not so pertinent to me personally as of late, but good words that I've been able to pass on to others regarding work frustration, future career paths, perhaps it applies to our own personal growths as well.

"It's a decadent mind , a mind that has known ennui and passed through it to something more dangerous, that wants fictional contraptions over the more difficult - sometimes more obvious and clear, other times utterly incomprehensible - truth of fact. But this is the opinion of a man who knows nothing, and it's the opinion that I throw at you to make you angry. Anyway, I read news and look for and collect facts because so far they they haven't added up to anything. I had pictured, as a younger man, that the things I knew and would know were bricks in something that would, effortlessly, eventually, shape itself into something recognizable, meaningful. A massive and spiritual sort of geometry - a ziggurat, a pyramid. But here I am now, so many years on, and if there is a shape to all this, it hasn't revealed itself. But no, thus far the things I know grow out, not up, and what might connect all these things, connective tissue or synapses, or just some sense of order, doesn't exist, or isn't functioning, and what I knew at twenty-seven can't be found now." (p.276)

"I believe in fact, and I believe in the plain truth told wholly - that the truth be retold can be a net thrown around life at a certain time and place, encompassing all within, and that people can go out there, live as actors, work within their staging ground, do so with a soft heart; I want others to go out in the world with an idea, with intentions and means, and come back with a story about how their actions affected the world and how they themselves were shaped by the results. I have a belief that such endeavors can improve the world, however recklessly, especially when these people go forward and interact, give, solve, change the situations they encounter - and also, even those with no intentions of recording their actions. There's nothing to be gained from passive observance, the simple documenting of conditions, because, at its core, it sets a bad example. Every time something is observed and not fixed, or when one has a chance to give in some way and does not, there is a lie being told, the same lie we all know by heart but which needn't be reiterated." (p.297)

a fresh, blank, new start

.

happy birthday to me!

happy birthday!, originally uploaded by estimmel.

eric made this silly birthday picture wish of/for me...and as he says himself, "it's weird to see a birthday card/image with your own face wishing you a happy birthday...(he just loves) this picture and it just seemed right...even though it's wrong"...anyhow, long story short, it made me laugh.

this holiday...

cold city, originally uploaded by Jenblossom.

always leaves me with a slight bittersweet/melancholic/saturnine taste in my heart...despite current states of content happiness, my mind cannot help but conjour images of broken glass, mending hearts, warm tears. and while all these things may seem dismal and sad to most, i am so grateful for the feeling and memories that rise up within me. the saddest thing of all would be to lose a memory to a blank sheet of nothing, no matter how wonderful/horrid/earth-shattering that memory is.

walking out this morning into the cold, snow-swept sidewalk was the near perfect way to begin the day. a clean fresh blast of air upon my face and cheeks to awaken me to the pain, joy, misery, laughter, and more that i have had in my life. i can only hope that all my loves (past & present, brief & enduring, romantic & platonic), know how profoundly you have left imprints upon me....like footsteps left in the freshly fallen snow.

v-day thinking

In the battle for belonging
Every doorbell has its code
With a stare it can be opened
Now you have it now you don't

There are buildings there are people
Walk around and look up to
Every swallow has its season
Every gallow has its noon

By the rythm of your language
By the sparkle in your stride
Talk in riddles or be candid
With a shield or open wide

The lesson you must learn
No one could ever teach
Open up and reach for the stars

Above you
Above you

If you have a way of knowing
Every river can be crossed
Lose the sparrow that had landed
For the one that never was

There's a song for every dreamer
As they climb over this fence
Trading roses for the real world
As the second week commences

Where no one has control
Where the young clipse the old
Predjudice and wisdom
All the same

I want you
I want you


lyrics to "Above You" by The Whitest Boy Alive

interrupted & unfinished sundays

I wonder lately if it is possible to be allergic to a city. Since moving here (not quite 6 months now), I've had a bad congestion cold maybe 3 times, food poisoning once, + general stomach uneasiness at least twice. It's only two months into the new year and I've already used 2.5 sick days from work. In general, my body has been all out of whack. It's putting a little bit of a damper upon me, but I'm trying to be resilient and fight back. Someone suggested that the new city might just have a whole new set of germs that my body isn't used to. Or perhaps it is the fact that I'm forced to interact with a multitude of more people than I am normally used to. New York is a dirty city indeed, ridden with germs at every crevice and corner. It is no wonder to me why I have been so ill. It could also be that all the changes that have occurred the past six months has had a heavy effect upon my mental/bodily state...or even the fact that my iPod has died and needs fixing, my desktop computer has a weird blue screen of death, and now the kittie has knocked over my external hard drive (which has my entire life on it!!!) & it is now making horrible sounds...*scrunched up face of worriment and fear*...yikes...I've been trying desperately not to think of the consequences of this...anyhow....

*got distracted by my pretty turkish friend who now resides in canadia...finally we could see each other...thank you webcam*

little miss sunshine

little miss sunshine, originally uploaded by estimmel.

So, for the first time in a long while, we are out and about. A saturday afternoon laptop date at the coffeeshop just down the street from our house. It feels wonderful to sit in a room outside of my cubicle and apartment. I have been a little grey and down these past days because I have missed the exploring, the being out, the people watching. I often wonder why I haven't made this more of a nightly habit like I so used to enjoy. This morning I was reminded of some of my first days in Montreal. I was alone in that city and for some reason it seemed much easier to roam about as I pleased. It seems meeting people was easier and general happiness was a nonchalant thing that just happened. I have been thinking a lot lately if things have changed so much because of one of/combination of the following:

-the change of place (since August we've been living in Brooklyn)
-I'm back in a nine to five working job (working in midtown Manhattan since September)
-I am no longer alone (he moved in May to me & has yet to be tired of me...amazing)
-I am removed from my close friends (moving has taken care of most of this but there have also been a couple severed limbs)
-it is winter and it is cold (self-explanatory for those who suffer from seasonal adjustment disorder)
-somehow I missed my Autumn yearly rejuvenation/self-reflection (between moving/working, one weekend I woke up and all the leaves were gone in Central Park)

As much as I am grateful and happy for a secure job/a wonderful boyfriend/a BIGger than closet place to live, I miss the insecurities of the life which somehow inspired my creativity. TI ofhe fact it is now winter, has a debilitating force upon me. The cold keeps me shaking and shivering, my arms wrapped around myself that I lack the desire to embrace new places/new things. It seems it is all a viscious circle that I must be shaken out of. Today I am trying to shake out of it and get back into the me that I love.

I've been reading Henry Miller's trilogy, The Rosy Crucifixion. I finally finished book one "Sexus" and now I'm onto "Plexus". It speaks of Henry's days in New York, living in Brooklyn, walking in the Lower East side...riding the trains to a deserted winter Coney Island (this has been on my to-do list for weeks now). Somehow I find a comfort and connectivity in the places where I walk, I see the streets thru a different lens and realize that the same Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods I see haven't changed too much in the last 60 years. I've been horrible about reading ever since my departure from Montreal. Julien has started reading a book a week (52 for the year) and I should thank him for making me feel like a slacker.

Other failed projects that are sitting untouched *pulls out her special new "list sketchbook" (a place for only lists i.e. to do, movies to watch, projects to tackle, music to buy, people to write, blog titles to scribe about, etc):

-work on my website www.linesthatwalk.com, it's just been sitting waiting ever-so-patient for some love and attention
-build my Flash interactive life travel map (a way to share my personal timeline of where I've been and what I've seen)
-sketch/collage a day (ugh...how come I've stopped doing all the things which make me happy inside?)
-study/take more Architecural Registration Exams (a step forward to liberate oneself from "the man"---who is that guy anyhow?)
-make more postcard book sets (I made special postcard sets for xmas...one for Er.c's sister and one for my mom of my 30cities.365days Flickr sets...it felt awesome when I received one of MY postcards from his sister...i want to feel special again.)
-fix my desktop computer---oof...i think it has a case of the blue screen of death.
-submit pictures to the Brooklyn Artist's Gym upcoming show on "Reflection" (uh-oh...january 26th deadline came and went---DOH!)
-build a flatfile for all my drawings that have yet to find a place in our apartment
-build a cardboard staircase for my new kittie, Azriel, so she can get to & fro our loft bed with ease.
-make moo.com cards for any occasion
-write/send all our xmas books to both our relatives with thanks you (ugh....soooooo late! it's nearly february!)
-revisit the thought of artivistic in montreal (deadline is february 15th!!!)
-setup a good Autocad template .dag/.ctb file for future personal projects/work endeavors
-paint our kitchen (more strip removal)
-paint the bathroom with a single stripe
-build a low-standing closet
-entertain thoughts of exercise/yoga


So there...I've purged the major things on the to-accomplish list. Now onto the "what-have-we-done" to redeem myself and my conscience just a little. Eric and I went to California for one week. The trip was short and exhausting, but comforting and comfortable (it seems those would be the same thing, but if you think upon it, they are two very different feelings). We started our adventure subwaying to the JFK airtrain (my first time ever to fly out of New York). For just a moment, I saw the Saarinen wonder, the TWA terminal jewel that has circular penny-sized tiles on the floor/walls (or so I'm told, since it is closed to the public for renovation/restoration). It was so much smaller than I had imagined. It is strange to think how ideas are so grand within the small confines of our brain, and the realities of those ideas in actual space is so minute in comparison. Anyhow, my heart did a tiny little flip as it always does when posed before a wonderful piece of architecture. The trip started in southern California with Eric's mom, sister Amy, + sister Amy's boyfriend, JP. We entertained on Christmas eve a party of mother's friends...the tables were spread with cookies/sweets/cheeses/crackers galore...and introductions of JP and I, plus updates on the moving to New York had me exhausted by nights end. The day after xmas, all of us drove midway up California to a small beach-town for more visiting/family time with Er.c & Amy's dad+stepmom's. More introductions to uncle's and aunts, grandmother/grandfather, more talk of new york living, more, more more...

I was so relieved for the 1/2 hour that I finally got to spend on the beach (windy as all heck as it was, and I spend most of that time running down the beach after my hat). The wind and ocean air somehow cleansed me for that moment. I miss the days when I could go drive to "my beach"...it is one of the few places where I have ever been able to just be. To think of nothing. To be reminded that there are things bigger than me.
For some reason, the East River just doesn't cut it.

The point of all this is that by the time we arrived at my parents' house in the Bay Area, we were without any energy whatsoever. Eric and I passed out on the couch, and 3 hours later woke up realizing how badly we had needed that nap. Whenever visiting family is involved, multiple families now as it seems is my fate, it can never be called "vacation". Never in my life have I felt more like needing a vacation from my vacation when we returned to New York on New Year's day. It doesn't help that I've been so sick lately. I've had a major head cold/food poisoning/and another congestion cold all within a period of the last month. Once again, the drastic changes in weather have not been helping this matter, although I did relish in that one 75 degree January in New York day....*ahhh...remembering what it felt like to be wearing a t-shirt in the winter*

Time is winding down for the moment...a friend has asked us to her house tonight for dinner, and before we are all going to the Met to make something of our weekend. Weekends/weekdays seem to fill up so easily here that it is harder and harder to find alone/quiet time to wind down. I am so happy for this little moment of "solitude" he and I are sharing in at this present moment. (He is sitting across from blogging/catching up/doing the same as I). Of all the things I hope to accomplish, can we try to make more of an effort to do THIS again? My heart is happy right now and I miss that.