a gentle reminder that everyone else is just slowing down and i do not need to speed up, but rather just maintain and everything will be ok...

heavy sleep, the kind where you dream for what may seem like hours and days, is the best cure for lack of faith in anybody/anything...you know the feeling where you wake up completely refreshed, well just a little groggy still with sleep, but mind completely emptied and ready to begin the day. that is how i feel today...i just slept so well...

intention/moment/unforeseen/inadvertent
sometimes intentions led only in the moment can lead to unforeseen and inadvertent outcomes. words and actions said in the right context at the right moment can at a later time be transformed to the extreme opposite - being wrong in every aspect. there are few things that i ever regret in my life. i feel that whatever the situation, i made the choice for a series of reasons that were/are valid. i agree that these may not always be the most wise decisions, but they are the path my heart chose for that specific place in time. (thinking for a moment) i realize that my expectations of people these days are very low...i wonder if this is because my expectations of myself are in the same way also falling. (sigh) this reality is something that makes my heart a little sad...i remember a time where i had such high expectations of character and being in relation to me. where have these disappeared to? have i really thrown away all those cards and now am only playing with a partial deck? sometimes i do not know who the person is looking back at me in the mirror anymore, there was a time when i had such confidence...i guess i, like everyone else, i just long for someone to care enough to hold me accountable to my own expectations of myself, because the reality is this --- i get tired of holding myself to the list...i get tired of trying so hard without having someone to share it with or understand me for it (faults/failures/successes/inspirations)...ugh---how did i start thinking about all of this...

the lyrics to [try :: nelly furtado]
All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

sometimes i feel so different from & lost in this crowd of people:

ugh...so i woke up early to meet up with someone to go to do something specific and they bailed out on me. but now i'm awake and trying not to be mad that people flake out when they make promises. so i think that deserves a good soundtrack to begin my day...a quick one thrown together just enough to get my butt to school and be productive now that i have all these extra hours of free time---(yuck...just realized there was absolutely no theme for the day....just songs that i like and can make me smile without really listening to the lyrics)

hyped-up plus tax :: dabrye
finally woken :: jem
be still my heart :: the postal service
hands down :: dashboard confessional
come into our room :: clinic
restful motion :: lemongrass
float on :: modest mouse
the wind :: cat stevens
such great heights :: the postal service
lonely soul :: UNKLE
new slang :: the shins
run into flowers :: M83
enjoy the silence :: depeche mode
wooden nickles :: eels
i'm like a bird :: nelly furtado
my favorite things :: outkast
beautiful ways :: pat mcgee band
retour a vega :: the stills
love will come through :: travis

and kind of mean of me, but hey, it's how the day started - flake :: jack johnson

subconscious venus fly trap doodling while wandering off in class, hey, wasn't i talking about venus fly traps the other day??? oh yes, now i remember...

today there were discussions about the secrets of the section - and of course the etymological beginnings of secrets. secrets revealed and concealed, told to someone in order to prove it's existence yet hidden to prevent it's complete being. the latin word "arcanum" has much to do with the uncanny/the mysterious/the forbidden/the sacred and begins to reveal the importance in defining what a secret is. anyhow, the conversation was turned to kircher and his invention of "listening tubes" --- he had an intricate set of tubes set into the walls that ended up at the front door, or other rooms in the house, where he could listen to conversation without being known. some ends were carefully placed in the mouths of statues so that if he did choose to speak, it would appear as if the statue itself were talking. these things intrigue me...much like those who have an affinity for voyeurism. the conversation continued into a kind of morbidness as we began talk of vesalius and the connection between disection and section (the knife of the surgeon to the body as related to the pen knife of the architect to the building)---anyhow, i would have like to been a participant in these "operating theatres" where disection was an annnual public affair. anyhow, i must find the copy of vesalius' frontispiece for his treatise "the architecture of the human body" in order that i might see for myself...note to self - vesalius describes and illustrates this book about the human form much like the way in which we attempt to describe buildings - thereby once again emphasizing the extremely close relationship between body and building. ugh---so many things to read, and so many things i yet do not know. ah...and now that i am pondering the subject, here is [ how a venus fly trap works ]...i was wondering since i didn't get such a detailed explanation the other day...