"If you want to be free, you must struggle with yourself." -From my Bacci chocolate

That damned conversation about the coffee table has had my mind spinning since my eyes opened this afternoon. I even on two occassions stared at it and contemplated the space of my living room without it. I nudged it maybe three inches, then stopped to look at it again before I finally gave up the internal fight and went to the kitchen to find nourishment of other sorts.

Did I mention that yesterday the skies were an amazing 80 degrees ouring down lightning and summery showers. Today I woke to find snowflakes lightly kissing the pavement.

Listening to Dido makes me think of a certain someone in that Windy City and how he survived his first cold winter after he decided to become adventurous.

In other strange worlds,spent last night in Baltimore with my good friend Golden Boy, his roommate, mi Gerardo and new friend Big Daddy. All was superficial, not bad just surface based, till the ride back to DC in our green exploration machine. The new boy bombarded with questions spilled them forth from his mouth. Not offended, and strangely very open, we spoke our minds and hearts as best we could to make him understand. Understand what? Now I am not quite so sure. But I was suddenly overwhelmed with this deep sadness which I have not felt for so long. Sometimes we try to find the small things of everyday to make us happy, to find that smile upon our faces, to feel a slight jump in our hearts when they skip a beat. Sometimes we forget the long term happiness that we strive for because it seems so far away, or perhaps even entirely unattainable. All aI know is that somehow the new boy broke through my walls that I normally strategically place. I looked out the left window and a tear or two or five ran down my cheek. I do not know, perhaps because he broke my translucent wall that keeps me from seeing how unhappy I really am inside, because today I was bombarded with questions in my head that I have no answer to.

My heart is complacent and purple today.

"When I lately stood with a friend before [the cathedral of] Amiens, . . . he asked me how it happens that we can no longer build such piles? I replied: 'Dear Alphonse, men in those days had convictions (Ueberzeugungen), we moderns have opinions (Meinungen) and it requires something more than an opinion to build a Gothic cathedral.'" - Heinrich Heine, Confidential Letters to August Lewald on the French Stage (letter 9), translated by C.G. Leland

What the heck am I still doing propping my eyes open with toothpicks? Nothing of great importance occurred today, while I find it important to note that the sky was wringing itself out, and the bathtub called earth was clogged. Went out at the normal 3pm lunch hour for Vace...the normal place for those days when walking outside for long periods of time is not an option. Right across the street and conveniently located next to the drive up ATM, I often times pull up in my imaginery vehicle and withdraw the necessary funds to feed my hungry stomach.

It is supposed to be 75 degrees tomorrow. Better check those weather guys for a more accurate update. Whatver. All I know is that it was frozen over solid for months, and then two days of thawing last weekend, and now the floods that Moses saw I have also lived to see...no more teasing with my skin and goosebumps. I cannot handle this constant change--my body can no longer decide to be wearing the overcoat or the tee.