"So...This is where it all begins, on the grass, under a tree, in the shade, overlooking the water, the people, airplanes passing overhead. I guess one could call it my new life. For the first time since arriving in this new place (not really new since I was here two years ago & once before that), I have nothing left to busy myself with & no money to spend to keep me occupied otherwise. The last month I've passed over questions like, I wonder if I should begin listening, if I should begin seeing again, if I should just begin...& so I sit and say, from this moment, it all begins.
It saddens me to see the people walking by hand in hand engrossed in casual, effortless conversation because I know that this is one thing which I do not possess...but then I also know this is what I have asked for...not the loneliness but rather the time alone. & so for this I am content.
In so many ways, this time, this place is not at all what I had planned & I welcome it because I know that it is God taking control & placing me in the setting where my character & person can be shaped & molded...& for the first time I am not figthing against it.
I do not know why exactly I've decided to at last run towards the things which sustains me instead of trying so desperately to deny its existense.
My hair is growing longer again & I wonder if this reflects the change in my heart as well. Years ago, I remember cutting my hair as some need for freedom and change...as if it was somehow weighing me down. As it comes back, I feel a certain serenity & peaceful protection. Maybe cutting my hair affects my brain cells...too much sun exposure causing me to make unwise decisions. I actually feel like writing again, like drawing again, like breathing again.
How could it be that I have failed to see all these people for so long?
(Moving to a new spot to lie on the grass & close my eyes for awhile.)
Eesh...laundry and dishes still waiting..."
I wrote this nearly 2 years ago when I began my online adventures in a place called Diaryland. It seems appropriate and a good reminder now as I begin again fresh and new. As clean and invigorating as the snow that is falling right this minute. When will this horrid weather stop. Little one's were not made for places like this.
It saddens me to see the people walking by hand in hand engrossed in casual, effortless conversation because I know that this is one thing which I do not possess...but then I also know this is what I have asked for...not the loneliness but rather the time alone. & so for this I am content.
In so many ways, this time, this place is not at all what I had planned & I welcome it because I know that it is God taking control & placing me in the setting where my character & person can be shaped & molded...& for the first time I am not figthing against it.
I do not know why exactly I've decided to at last run towards the things which sustains me instead of trying so desperately to deny its existense.
My hair is growing longer again & I wonder if this reflects the change in my heart as well. Years ago, I remember cutting my hair as some need for freedom and change...as if it was somehow weighing me down. As it comes back, I feel a certain serenity & peaceful protection. Maybe cutting my hair affects my brain cells...too much sun exposure causing me to make unwise decisions. I actually feel like writing again, like drawing again, like breathing again.
How could it be that I have failed to see all these people for so long?
(Moving to a new spot to lie on the grass & close my eyes for awhile.)
Eesh...laundry and dishes still waiting..."
I wrote this nearly 2 years ago when I began my online adventures in a place called Diaryland. It seems appropriate and a good reminder now as I begin again fresh and new. As clean and invigorating as the snow that is falling right this minute. When will this horrid weather stop. Little one's were not made for places like this.