i've seen just a little bit too much of this for the last couple of weeks....when will the madness end??

anyhow, the boy went to the carribean to "work"---now how cool would that be? i have been left alone to romp around in my own michievious thoughts and conversations, things which will ultimately lead me to a place of uncertainty. i do not know how i really feel about all of this. i do know that i have this sinking feeling that i am lying to everybody....keeiping little secrets here and there. it makes the monotony of working more exciting....is that so wrong? i wonder how long the charade will last. i keep pondering on that movie "le divorce"---kate hudson's strange infidelity and the mystery of it all....the gifts and the sweet talking words and the challenging fight for superiority on the one hand...and the comfort of routine and unspokeness, a kind of security that will go no where but remain like a flat line on 2 dimensional paper. it's like wanting to wear both purple pajama's with pink pigs on them and the racy red riveting lingerie simultaneously. it all comes down to one question: what do you want? and for me the answer is simple---i want it all.

a warning to all those who happen to stumble into my path: please be extremely aware and watch out, for you are bound to be trampled upon.

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i'm curious how normal people contain such emotions. for surely i'm not the first to want a little bit of everything. i have been told on numerous occasions, "never settle for anything less." well, that's just the problem---you can never find it all in one place. just like what it takes to make a good cereal, it's not just what's in the box---it's the fact that it's a saturday morning (morning as in 12 noon), and you have just stumbled out of bed sleepy-eyed and hungry, it's finding your absolute favourite bowl and favourite spoon, it's the way the cereal sounds as you pour it, it's pouring sugar over the top in just the right amount, and watching the milk sift thru every crevice, then it's listening to your spoon clink against the side of the bowl and then then finishing the experience listening to it go crunch-crunch in your mouth.

so you see my problem? how many days out of the year does everything fall into place? how many times or how many people does it take to fill one's life to make you feel complete? or is it the age old saying---once you have had the taste of a good bowl of cereal, nothing will ever be the same....