for the first year, i finally got thru july 5th without thinking of a special birthday. and now, 9 days later it hits me and i'm filled with remorse for being so thoughtless. my latvian princess surprised me with a luinchtime visit, and somehow our conversation wandered that way, reminding me how i forgot such a special event in history. and even though we do not talk, i send my blessings and wishes of smiles and happiness that way via e.s.p. hoping that it makes him sneeze or his nose itch, whichever is supposed to happen when someone is thinking of you. i cannot dwell on it for long though, because i become nostalgic and get faint whiffs of a smell that is now almost gone. it saddens me to know that even love is not enough, or too much love is not enough to make something work. and if such a thing is true, then my idealistic self cannot face the fact that fairy tales really are not true. and in turn every other thing is dull and nothing in comparison. (sigh) i am content, and know that God has plans much greater than either of us can imagine. and i am also content that He answered the one prayer that i always prayed, that if i ever got in the way, to be removed completely. and as much as answers to prayer are wonderful, they still are a giant gulp in the throat. reality is always so much more difficult than the ideal, and it always has been that this little fishie likes living in her dream world.

so, though i cannot say it in person, or write it in a card to be sent, i wish to the birthday boy:
-the most wonderful of days, first and foremost
-the warmth that comes from laying in bed late on saturday mornings
-soothing sips of coffee in the perfectly molded mug-to-hand
-a pillow for your head to rest on
-musik to match the rhythm that always beats in your head
-a book not to make you think, just to make you chuckle
-the love of your family to abound around you as it always has
-and contentment that God has amazing love, that will never cease and will sustain you in everything