5.16.2006

logical inter-connections

I put dreams before life to such an extent that I manage in my verbal intercourse ( I have no other) to continue dreaming, and to continue, by means of the opinions and sentiments of others, to have, in the fluid line of individuality, an amorphous life.

Other people are channels or furrows through which the waters of the sea flow, but only as those people please. The curved course of their tendencies is marked by the flashes of the sun in the water in a way that is much more real than the dryness of those people could do it.

My rapid analyses may make me seem like a parasite in my relations with other people, but what actually happens is that I oblige them to be the parasites of my last emotion. I take possession of the shell of their individuality. I copy their footsteps in the clay of my soul, but I step down harder than they and by incorporating those footsteps into my consciousness, I have taken their steps and walked their ways for them.

Generally, out of my habit of duplicating myself and carrying out two different mental tasks at the same time, I – even as I adapt myself excessively and lucidly to their feelings – am analyzing within myself their unknown moods, making a purely objective analysis of what they are and what they think. Thus, in dreams and without giving up my uninterrupted daydreaming, I proceed, not only living the refined essence of their (at times) dead emotions, but understanding and classifying the logical inter-connections among the various forces in their spirit, which at times exist in a natural state within their souls.

And while all this is going on, nothing of their physical features, their way of dressing, or their gestures escapes me. At the same time, I live their dreams, the soul of their instincts, as well as their bodies and their attitudes. In a grand, unified dispersion, I situate myself within them, I cultivate them, and during every moment of the conversation I am a multitude of beings, conscious and unconscious, analyzed and analytic, all deployed as if on an open fan.

-Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet

present state of soul


Present state of soul,
originally uploaded by Gabo Gabo.

5.10.2006

almost 9am & coming back on the train

There’re no words to say
No words to convey
This feeling inside I have for you
Deep in my heart
Save from the guards
Of intellect and reason
Leaving me at a loss
For words to express my feelings
Deep in my heart

Look at me losing control
Thinking I had a hold
But with feelings this strong
I’m no longer the master
Of my emotions

"for you" by tracy chapman

5.04.2006

the pilgrimage that i am on


originally uploaded by orkboi.

-thoughts of thesis clutter my head like butterflies in a net
-thoughts of moving to a new city and the horrible new york walk-up apartment + me having tons of books
-thoughts of another moving closer to me and how happy/anxious that makes my heart
-thoughts of two worlds colliding into one and me being left all together holding nothing but my heart
-thoughts of looking for a job excite me, yet i hate it, you know...the whole process of resume/portfolio/waiting/interviews/choosing...i wish someone would just call me tomorrow and say be here monday morning at such and such time
-thoughts of summer in the air accompanied with desires to go and sit on the grass, soak in the sun, and just be
-thoughts of my dear gul and the wonderful grateful dead photo remind me of love and friendship and how this is all we need in this world to be happy...who needs a master's or phD? i shouldn't tell myself that till next tuesday.


ok back to my pilgrimage or sorts...time tos tart the day and design away. i want my project to be beautiful. right now i am worried because my drawings are not beautiful. they are all auto-cad-ed up and not so pretty. i'm having a hard time trying to decide since this is not my thesis defense presentation, but merely a final progress review for the semester, how do i continue working without showing my normal "finished" drawings. from now until tuesday, i feel that my project needs a few layers of depth added, in meaning and in drawing...i hope that design approval will come easier than at midterms...if not, i'm about ready to tear my eyes out.

5.03.2006

my sleep pose

I am a toboggan!
Find your own pose!

Toboggan Traits and Tendencies Tobogganeers are always one step in front of their peers; they're first to buy a house, first to microdermabrate, first to spend more than a thousand dollars on a rug. Yet in their rush to get ahead of the curve, Toboggan couples sometimes find themselves racing in two entirely different directions. If they don't check in frequently to make sure they're both on the same track, they can grow impressively far apart, and it can take a great deal of painful maneuvering and many late-night talks before they reconnect once again.
Comfort Zone Toboggan is a Sun Sleeper pose. Other Sun poses a Tobogganeer might enjoy include Big C Little c, Classic Spoons, and The Heimlich.
A Note About Feeding Tobogganeers have two modes: fed and calm, and unfed and frantic. To prevent bickering and other erratic behaviors, always keep the pantry and glove box well stocked with a supply of crackers and spreadables.