i woke up today wishing of better places than here...

waaaaaaaaaaay cool.

podbop.

i miss him.

something about filling shoes,
originally uploaded by estimmel.

somehow, things just don't seem to fit right anymore now that i am away and back at "home". when we are together, all seems to fit perfectly into place. time finds its own rhythm. even the stripes run straighter.

he's getting upset

one step ahead,
originally uploaded by prettyjjbean.

all because he can't post this correctly....don't worry...soon our computers will be getting angry at us too!

sudden death

"In the latter half of the last century, telegrams rarely communicated anything truly important. By the 1950s, they had become largely irrelevant. Until fairly recently, however, a telegram was still a way to let someone know that they were special, a distinctive way to say congratulations or to offer an invitation...Now the telegram is a relic, a quaint vestige of a long ago that exists only in song lyrics and old movies. No need to mourn its demise; its time was past."

i've always wanted to be told i was special via telegram or plan a secret meeting in some unknown city...and even though that day had not come to pass yet, i always thought it would be possible...someday. how sweet and tender that would be to have a "love=*fill in the blank*" message like this. now it seems that day will never, ever, ever come.

if only

if only i could have read this about a year ago then i wouldn't have had to struggle with defining my thesis nicely into one sentence or less...argh:

"He devotes attention to the specificity of each dead medium, and the way they've retrospectively been synthesized into a linear, progressive historical narrative. This might give "necronauts" useful examples, and a vocabulary for thinking about the ways in which "dead" innovations serve as unique explorations into possibility, while contributing to the overall advance we see."

btw...what is a "necronaut"?

it's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to...

Fallen From Grace, originally uploaded by ArtByChrysti.

home again from the most joyous of birthday journeys...wishing that it could last longer as always my time with him seems so short and fleeting. everytime it seems the moment when walls and barriers are beginning to break down and the conversation starting to flow more smoothly serious, it is time for one of us to leave. the romanticized, idealistic moment fades before we can be grounded down into a practical reality. someday soon, i hope this changes...till then, we have some growing and thought to wade thru. *oof*...as well as much, much thesis work on both of our ends....

the valentine wish for him

more valentine wishes for anyone who needs some tender lovin'

from gul to isa, thru me to mario

"Friend, I must fly, for they are wondering. I must fly, and perhaps shall never see you more. My death is near, and far from you my death will come of desire."

"Oh friend," she said, "fold your arms round me close and strain me so that our hearts may break and our souls go free at last. Take me to that happy place of which you told me long ago. The fields whence none return, but where great singers sing their songs for ever. Take me now."

"I will take you to the Happy Palace of the living, Queen! The time is near. We have drunk all joy and sorrow. The time is near. When it is finished, if I call you, will you come, my friend?"

"Friend," said she, "call me and you know that I shall come."

from 'tristan and iseult', retold by joseph bédier

3 reasons for smiling today

1. 2. 3.

it's nearly my birthday

i have a feeling that i'm going to need a lot of these kinds of pens + some lined notebook paper...if any of you are feeling generous...*big cheesy grin*

unseen healing

"Love anything and your heart will continually be wrong, and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your own selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell." -C.S. Lewis

inspiration from my fellow bean

tape_the_gap,
originally uploaded by R.bean.

thinking of site plans & vicinity maps...and the possibilities of colour tape on glass. 6 panels of colours-->outlining the beauty of an interactive/sculptural/viewing boxes of a museum dedicated to colour in a cityscape that is so dull and grey (washington d.c.'s very own national mall)...

some days are just better than others-today is a lali puna kind of day and that makes me ;)

I Thought That The World Had Lost Its Sway, And Then I Fell in Love With You,
originally uploaded by Thomas Hawk.

i slept too much and was woken many times in the middle of the night. however, my day suddenly got brighter and a lot sunshinier once i remembered that i was supposed to call you when i woke. first i checked my email, and there were two notes from you. you reminded me that it's february and that although this month has somehow sneaked up behind us, "it's an important month" since as you told me, "it has valentines day AND it has your birthday." now my past week of horrible just suddenly got better and i realize how much you contribute to my everyday happiness. i've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and you have no idea how good it was to talk to you and be reassured of your presence. sometimes i fail to feel and know of things that i cannot see right before me, i get lost in the everyday stresses and pulls on my heart. forgive me for this weakness. i just wanted to tell you that today is going to be a good day, and it's mostly all because of you.

oh crap...who would've known it was so depressing...

so here is a slightly edited version of an email i wrote in response to one of my dearest of dears. she has been so kind as to send me text messages and her ever so welcomed lengthy emails...whether it be for her own personal sanity or mine, i think that it does the both of us good to just type. i tried my best in the shortest time i had this morning to write a quick and concise "this is my mind and its current state" letter.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[ my darling clementine ]
(i have to find the words to that song one of these days...)
ok...not too much time to respond here but i'll say a few quick quick things:

1. the letting go part....ugh, a reoccurring theme for my entire week. you have no idea how many have told me this in the last couple days...had too many conversations about past relationships and future relationships. can't handle it anymore.

2. that i must learn to be alone. argh. seems like you are getting a jumpstart on this one...you going to the gym and all. although i think that it almost would be necessary for me to construct a special "punch me" wall if ever i were to figure out how to do this alone business.

3. i feel so antisocial these last couple days. i take refuge in my computer and try to lose myself in work. neither are being too productive. mind is wandering too all other sorts of places. seems the more antisocial i get the more everyone wants to be my friend and i hate it.

4. the boy is frustrated with his own work and hasn't slept for two days. i do enjoy talking to him although at times it seems we can both be in piss-imistic moods and maybe not the most fruitful for helping each other get better. i like that he says i can call anytime, and even sends me messages now that ask me to call him, barring i am awake. it is nice to feel needed, even if just for my listening ear.

5. my friends are asking what my plans are for my birthday. i keep telling them i am probably (and desperately wishing) to go to new york. you reminded me about monetary funds and even new york right now seems daunting but not unachievable. ugh. ever have those days where you just want to lock yourself up in your room? well, i'm about to just tell you to come visit me in d.c. and we can confine ourselves in my room with tons of clementines and chocolate, piles of dvd's and warm, warm blankets. we could exchange our ideas and creativities...we could sleep in late and stay in pj's all day long...we could save money (haha)...we'll see.

6. ugh...have to get ready for a competition presentation that i really don't want to win, even though if i did win, it would get built and that would be cool. funny that i was one of the ones selected when i seriously just threw together a few sketches in less than a 3 hour timespan. i figured "ideas competition"....nothing fancy (seriously looks like something straight out of my sketchbook)....ugh...didn't think i would have to do more work or ever give it a second thought.

7. i was hoping to have one fully productive day today....obviously, that is not happening so far. flickr images will help explain.

8. favourite album of the moment...deathcab for cutie's "plans"...can't seem to stop listening to "soul meets body"....realizing with each play of the song that my soul and body are no where even near being close to the same location right now.

9. your reminder for patience...can i buy this in the store somewhere? i am almost willing to trade my food/coffee money for an entire lifetime stock of this stuff.

10. i'm done...eyes are heavy already and the day is just starting...well, not really since i woke up at 6. anyhowz........................................

i'm outta this blank white space of a screen that keeps going on forever,
[ little one ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

so without further adieu, i sent the email off and before i forgot decided to discover where that "oh my darling clementine" song came from and the exact lyrics...all i have to say is who would've known it was so depressing. this whole time i never realized that what i thought to be a happy-jolly-go-lucky-song is in actuality a lament about this guy's girlfriend who drowned by accident. how gloomy....read for yourself its complete and full origins.

clearing of the conscience

in search of inspiring thought

At times I have happy ideas,
Ideas suddenly happy, in among ideas
And the words in which they naturally shake free ...

After writing, I read ...
What made me write that?
Where have I been to find that?
Where did that come to me from? It is better than me ...
Shall we have been, in the world, at the most, pen and ink
With which somebody writes properly what we here jot?...

(18.12.1934)
Fernando Pessoa
translated by J.Griffin.

restlessness.jpg

reminders of last night

it never fails, the moment i say i have nothing to post here, i am bombarded with thoughts and recallings of things i should remember. i should make it a resolution to never call anyone drunk anymore...this song is playing on my itunes right now and made me think of a horrible call i made last night. here are the lyrics from long distance drunk by modest mouse. play it and listen with me to remember how stupid i can be sometimes>> > > >>

Hang it up now or never

Hang it up again
(Hang it up now or never)
Hang it up now or never
Hang it up again
Hang it up now or never
Hang it up again
Doesn't seem like anything you're saying or doing or doing
Is making any sense
Long distance drunk
Long distance drunk
Long distance drunk
Oh yeah oh yeah
(8 AM and someone calls you on the telephone)
Long distance drunk
(You want to be by yourself and all alone)
Long distance drunk

another good song on the same album that seems applicable for my current mood as of late. here is polar opposites>> > > >>

Polar opposites don't push away
It's the same on the weekends as the rest of the days
And I know I should go but I will probably stay
And that's all you can do about some things

I'm trying, im trying to drink away the part of the day
That I cannot sleep away
I'm trying, im trying to drink away the part of the day
That I cannot sleep away

Two one eyed dogs, they're looking at stereos
Hi-fi Gods try so hard to make their cars low to the ground
These vibrations oil its teeth
Primer gray is the color when you're done dying

I'm trying, i'm trying to drink away the part of the day
That I cannot sleep away
I'm trying, i'm trying to drink away the part of the day
That I cannot sleep away

time away

as you can see, although it has been unintentional up until this point, i am taking a slight leave of absence from here. today i came to the realization that i need a little break, a moment in time to stop and just collect. things to collect:

my thoughts
my sanity
my well-being
my confusion
my heart
my goals
my thesis
my room
my feelings
my quietude

i imagine a shelf in my room where i can bottle each of these things and you will see them sealed up in jam/preservative jars and marked with white labels that have been sharpie-ed ("my....", "my....", "my....", etc.) don't worry, i will return soon...it just seems like this past weekend was a little bit more emotionally taxing than weekends should be...even weekdays at that.

my attitude for the next 4 months...