the soon to be infamous waac band finally has their first live venue this wednesday night...ooh...it's almost 11 now - productivity beginning to kick in.

a pensive day today...more slush, more snow puts a damper on my enthusiasm. but for the first time in a week or so i feel extremely productive and thoughtful. the next couple weeks are going to be long and arduous, but good as it will force me into contemplation over design and stretch my mind a little more than i have been these past few weeks. spring break is approaching and everyone is travelling to far off places...sigh...i've made no such plans for myself as of the moment. school beckons me, but i might consider a weekend trip to someplace warm and sunny. this cold weather makes me long for the pink blossoms of the cherry trees even more --- a few more weeks and i will be basking in the sun, sketchbook in hand sitting on green grass. some quotes to keep me inspired till the sun arrives:

"For the truly creative mind in any field is no more than this - a human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create - to create - to create - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of beauty and meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create. He must pour out creation. By some strange unknown pressing inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."
-- Pearl S. Buck

"When you find yourself in the middle of your life
and you're nowhere near where you were going,
how do you find a way from the person you've become,
to the one you know you could've been?"
-- Taken

"People move through their lives sometimes without really thinking about where they're going. The days pile up, and they get sadder and lonelier, without really knowing how they got so sad, or why they're so lonely. Then something happens... they meet someone who looks a certain way, or has something in their smile. Maybe that's all that falling in love is. Finding someone who makes you feel a little less alone."
-- Taken

"Sometimes people come to a moment, where they think they've found that one last chance to be someone else... and they go for it. When it doesn't work out, they spend the rest of their lives looking over their shoulder at what might've been."
-- Taken

[ muse Lyrics ]: Ruled By Secrecy
Repress and restrain,
Steal the pressure and the pain
Wash the blood of your hands
This time she won't understand
Change in the air
And they'll hide everywhere
And no one knows who's in control
You're working so hard
And you're never in charge
Your death creates success
Rebuild and supress
Change in the air
And they'll hide everywhere
And no one knows who's in control
Change in the air
And they'll hide everywhere
And no one knows who's in control

i took this picture on a bus ride coming back from new york...the blurred image swipes me back to when i used to commute to san francisco for work via train. i enjoyed the train ride so much...it was a mental escape, an almost stopping of time, for me, but the question i would always ask and could never answer was, "am i passing life by, or is life passing me by as time continues on this train ride?"


no soundtrack for the day, but i have been listening to muse's "apocalypse" album over and over for the last few hours now. i guess it encompasses my melancholic mood this evening. i wasn't in such a purple-ness until darkness fell, and then in my own attempt to cheer up another, i said a few things that made me begin a whole slew of personal self-reflection...

...and so, here i sit, not really thinking about anything in particular, fighting the urge to read through past handwritten journals of mine, and staring at my oh-so-cool-"mark the days that sucked" calendar wondering if this is beginning to qualify.

i often wonder just how much (in specific quantity) careful thought and consciousness should be paid to in our actions. the great conflict exists within me to strive towards being (fill in the blank with something equivalent to "the ideal jenn") --- yet my daily actions of living always fall short of my own personal goals. this falling short does not necessarily have anything to do with school or career oriented goals, nothing worldy of this sort. but rather a more vague striving towards a personality/character that i myself cannot describe fully with proper words.

(moments lost in being enveloped with the music and lyrics...)

anyhow...maybe i just crave sleep and warmth, someone to play with my hair, tell me everything will be better tomorrow, and blow my candles out when i have finally fallen asleep...and then i realize, i cannot close my eyes till i myself extinguish the flame with the sigh of an exhausted mind.

well, what a waste of a day today was for me. i'm still fending off sickness but i believe the finals stages, which is good...however, i couldn't concentrate on a single thing all day due to the fact that i was sneezing, or felt like i had to sneeze since i opened my eyes this morning. eesh...my eyes are tearing...and it was slightly embarrassing after awhile because everyone thought i was utterly depressed or something had upset me. gosh! i'm just sick and my nose is just draining itself from all sniffly germs!

anyhow, i got my new phone yesterday and though it is not as technologically advanced as some, i can once again be a full pariticpant in the text messaging world. i was beginning to feel like cripple this last month. isn't amazing how much our phones and computers have become appendages to our being?

(ugh----tear running down cheek)

sneeze already!

snippets of yesterday's fluke snowstorm...who opened their mouth and challenged winter to be over already? i warned you, winter doesn't like to be doubted...spring colours, i beg you to hurry up and overtake this dreariness.

i've been thinking how best to describe my trip to new york...i haven't yet been able to fully describe to anyone the impact of complete comfort and relaxation the 5 or so days had upon me and for the calming of my being. it was nice to be able to breathe freely, no pressures, no forced conversation, nothing to guide thought, but just a thoughtful wandering both in the physical and mental senses, which is rare. i began a list of moments to remember as i sat on the bus ride back from new york, subtle reminders of moments or events that brought a smile to my face, or moments that i wish to remember and feel that they contributed some importance to why this extended weekend flowed so smoothly...here then is my list as of yet...perhaps already my mind has forgotten things...if so, please remind me ---

-perpetuality :-)
-cardboard coffee
-2 more rooftop views
-dark rooms with bill viola and the five angels
-tim hawkinson pneumatics
-bench rest stops at museums
-super sonic power hearing
-long eyelashes & smile wrinkles
-pink glasses
-nearly winning ping-pong
-meniscus blankage
-air mattress slippage
-teapot browsing
-under table nudges
-comfort in quiet moments
-"star" gazing
-lychee martinis
-being an observer at a table of 12 where everyone is yelling
-wandering with loose aim
-cafe searching
-music boxes
-fallen chocolate chip souffle cake
-friendly faces dancing the night away in foreign territory
-good soundtracks for the day, completely unplanned
-cut mangoes in orange bowls
-mysterious bruises
-long, lazy mornings
-lucky subways on days with slight hangovers
-falling asleep and sleeping comfortably with ease
-strange little tidbits of conversation loaded with importance
-"does it bother you when i'm quiet?"
-determining in my own mind's eye if it is scandal or drama, and realizing i don't care if it is either
-seeing robots everywhere dispersed throughout the city fabric
-discovering the infinite mirrors at the prada store
-remembering my mom's work when i was small and the movable filing system
-not being in charge of the camera all the time
-seeing new york from 20 floors up and feeling like you are nearly at the top of the world, separated from it yet not isolated
-feeling snow falling on my cheeks as we walk thru the east village for a late night snack
-finding the paths of central park where the gates had not overtaken
-discovering the one defective christo, with no hopes of it being rescued any time soon
-climbing 6 flights of stairs to get "home"
-cozy mini-futon sharing
-the feeling of knowing one is blessed because you are surrounded by such wonderful friends
-meeting new people and not feeling that any extensive effort need be spent in over-exertion
-discovering a hidden yet carefully placed "souvenir" in my new york book upon my return
-being able to appreciate the feeling of contentment from the knowledge that a truly delightful weekend was had by all

and now my mind is cleared...i just came from studio where the boys were playing their weekly music session. i sat on the carpeted hallway for quite some time, eyes closed, allowing the music to take me away. so relaxed, so nice, so far away from studio my mind wandered. and now, i shall try to recapture this weekend's contentment and this evening's beat as i lay my head upon my pillow and pray that sweet thoughts and dreams envelope my mind...i haven't been sleeping too well since my return...there is hope that tonight will be different...

ah...one more thought to hold dear that puts an immense smile upon my face --- mirror images and the accompanying feeling of being completely wrapped up in a shield of affection and total lack of self-consciousness...this in itself is a rarity and something not to be forgotten lightly.

more smiles from guernica...

argh --- i've been corrected.

ugh...so i go to bed last night with complete energy and excitement to "begin" the week at full run...already thinking and planning of my soundtrack for the day...however, things never happen to go as planned...my throat decided and body have decided that the weekend of relaxation was all mental and started to complain. in fact, i barely wrenched myself from bed an hour ago --- it is sore and confused, wondering where the long, lazy morning pleasures have disappeared to...(sigh)

(long pause due to instant messaging conversations)

well, it's been long enough now that the cold medicine is beginning to kick in and a few of my friends have sent me some scandalous photos of birthday night...hehe...the day is beginning to look up. nap time now so i can rid myself of this cold quickly...



bronzed art

iced orange

the sun peeking behind orangeness

repetition

an attempt to escape into a closed courtyard

spring buds

hints of yellow red and green in the trees

hidden brick writing open to breathe only for a short time before going back into seclusion

the defective gate

see the stars on the side of the building?

third floor cafe after much searching and avoidance of lines and waiting

pneumatic whitney surprises lie within

"star" gazing in museums

snowy east village silhouettes

six story climb...focus on the orange

tidbits of an afternoon walking looking for design inspirations

remnants of storefront architecture

looking up

good night, new york...

[ wall chart of world history from earliest times to the present ]

one of my favourites from this past weekend's excursion to new york...more on my adventures later...

leaving for new york now...dismembering myself from the laptop this weekend so we will be out of contact...not looking forward to the lugging of luggage to downtown, but a small price to pay to get out of this dreary city. i think i just did the worst packing job ever...probably brought way too much stuff. anyhow---i'm out till tuesday...

sunset along the potomac

another long day at school. working on flattened elevation/section/section or rear elevation each in different media. i want to spend some time in the shop and carve out this idea i have from one solid wood piece...don't know if this will get done by thursday...anyhow, no more school talk, the reason why i write before i sleep is to clear my mind of all that---let's start over...

happy valentine's day! decided a while back now that the girls only would do something unique today. we prettied ourselves up and headed to the charthouse for an afternoon of food/drinks/dessert/indulgent conversation (afternoon limitations due to monday evening classes. the indulgent conversation is not something i am used to with other girls as i often times find it hard to relate to the girlie-girlness of it all. we went around and shared questions and tried not to reminisce too much (er, maybe that was just me...at times i found myself drifting off into nostalgia)...anyhow, the big question of the hour was brought to the forefront by me - what would be the best thing for anyone (well, in this case, any boy) to do on a day like valentine's...some of the answers were hilarious, like bianca's quick response of "bling." amusing to me, since thoughts like that don't really cross my mind...i suppose that would explain the looks of confusion when i answered, "a letter from the heart - well written and thoughtful, of course." anyhow, i guess at that moment i felt the great divide that normally separates me from the female gender double in span. whatever...not my fault i know what i like and don't like...nothing superficial that is for certain...

ugh...i've been awake too long...i can feel that certain empty hollowness in the pit of my stomach that appears only after too much caffeine and too little rejuvenation time...

highlight of the day - all of us girls returning to studio, still all doll-like, where all the boys were busily working, and seeing the looks on their faces when they realized what they had missed out on...(oh my---i do sound like a girl afterall, don't i?) -- this must be a sure sign that jenn must hurry to bed and get the 4 hours of sleep that is allowed for this evening...(yawn)

more "box" pictures!

well, it's 4 o'clock already and here i am just barely getting into studio.

motivation = the arousal, intensity, direction, and persistence of effort directed toward job tasks over a period of time.

i am lacking in this area of motivation as of late. i need accountability right now to push me back to intensity...

looks like girls' night out is about to be underway. better watch out--this could mean trouble!!

by special request from brigita who wants to see my new glasses...i hope she comes out to play tonight.

getting excited about new york...nice to see someone is already blogging the progression of [ The Gates @ Central Park ] - not to mention, there are links to flkr spots and things like that on the right of this person's page so you can get a sneak preview...

nevermind...i retract my previous entry's somber and saturnine mood. i just checked the webspot of another pensive soul and was surprised and delighted by images directly related to facial hair growth. (rotfl) now i can go read with a smile and a giggle...

the brief bicycle ride home the last two evenings has been just the relief and clearing of my mind that was much needed. i just came from watching "cinema paradiso" and now i am filled with the sense of bittersweetness. after the credits rolled, i quietly got up from my seat, not wanting to speak or see anyone. i put on my sweater and vest, grabbed my bag and walked a block with my bike before getting on it. there are many questions that arise within my heart because of this movie, too many to list here at this moment in time, or perhaps i am afraid to write them because seeing them in written word means an actual answer might be necessary...

i had a pin-up today, maybe this is the reason for my pensiveness and edginess as well. my entire being feels drained today, not sure if it is the lack of sufficient sleep or something else...sigh...

i feel the need to distance myself lately...not for fear of others, but rather for fear of forgetting what i am here to do. i haven't been able quite to focus my energies these last couple of weeks. in some respects, i am feeling a bit abused in my friendships with others, and this hurts me deeply...tonight i retreat to my pillows and continue to read about the human sense.

stumbled across this little tidbit and wanted a place to remember it - [ GLOWBITS ]

a couple weeks ago, a spontaneous event called "think outside the box" occurred one afternoon at school. our vtel room just received a shipment of fully assembled chairs and each came individually wrapped in their own personal boxes. the halls were filled with these empty containers and someone silly and creative thaought we could use them as a live installation throughout the streets of alexandria. i arrived at school and was immediately handed a place in a box and given a set of commands to follow...the rest can be seen/heard/downloaded here -

http://www.planet-gaiser.de/think.mpg (37mb)




thank you sebastian, for your work in putting together the movie for our little "think outside the box" production...

i am not one to seek out confrontation, or need it for any sort of personal fulfillment. however, these days it seems that the confrontation comes to me, and i am not one to back down when cornered. i desire communication, open/honest/heart spoken communication. i despise facades for it makes it difficult for me to see what is behind the mask with any semblance of validity. friendship is something extremely valuable to me. but when i feel that i have given all i can, and there is nothing but harshness, pretending, and lies returned, i withdraw from any form of connection with that person. the following are a list of words and definitions as defined what i perceive as common sense - these are things that i feel i have matured in understanding, and can feel confident about expressing such things in words, whether they be written or spoken. perhaps i am seeing that i am different than most, because i mention these concepts in above said confrontations, and it gets turned and twisted into something selfish and proud. what is so difficult to perceive that a growing friendship is one that gives and receives equally and mutually?

acquaintanceship: a person known by name but with whom interaction is usually limited in scope and quality.

affection need: the need to express and receive love; the need to experience emotionally close relationships.

assertiveness: the honest, clear, and direct communication of one's thoughts and feelings while displaying respect for the thoughts and feelings of others.

conflict: perceived disagreement about views, interests, and goals.

consistency: the desire to maintain balance in our lives by behaving according to commitments already formed.

disqualification: communication that invalidates a message sent.

empathy: the ability to feel another's feelings.

friendship: relationship that exists when persons seek each other out and exhibit a strong mutual regard for each other.

qualifiers: words that lack certainty and make phrases tentative in nature.

stagnating: the stage in a relationship that finds communication between the parties at a standstill.

waning friendship: the stage during which friends drift apart.

termination: the end stage of a relationship.

was so kindly pointed out this morning, in my morning slumber and bad writing, that my blog had deficient links...so i've gone back to fix a few of those, but it made me realize that i never update what is on the side...i guess i should go back and revise it at some point. this week i need to work hard and efficiently. there is talk of driving to montreal this weekend for a concert. and as much as i want to be the responsible one and say, "no way i need to do school since the week after i will be in new york!" -- my curiosity is killing me to see this place where i will be living next fall. too much on my mind right now, can't type clearly, nor sort thru the thoughts enough to articulate them in any logical manner...

...can you tell i'm scatterbrained today?

flowers in the treetops for a melancholy day.

good day--good times. the last couple days have been especially wonderful...aside from the immense warmth and sunshine today, i have had a smile on my face that has pervaded all ill-beings. giuli, her special man, and a few others are here for the weekend. it has been wonderful to see her and experience her immense laid backness...a model example always. anyhow, the last couple days have been a break in time, i went yesterday to get my eyes checked (yeah! my prescription has remained static for the last 4 years now---the doc says i am unique...as if i didn't know that already, heh heh...j/k) so i got 2 pairs of glasses, both with so much personality. if it weren't for lydia, i don't know if i would have been so bold...but i love them! this morning i woke up and made waffles and pancakes galore for everyone, after a relaxing brunchtime conversation, we all meandered downtown. i had to meet the sketching class at the national gallery today. prior i spent some time with a friend, drinking tea and sitting outside soaking in the sun...just being. a good 45 minutes of just casual sitting, no forced conversation, watching people go by, no rushes, no worries---it was amazing. i need to do this more often...and though it is nice to do this alone, i must admit, there is greater comfort in sharing such quiet moments with another...shared quiet solitude ( a concept to ponder). anyhow, while sitting on the steps, a picture was taken and i'm oh so happy with it...me sporting my new glasses with my steaming tea...sigh, the whole picture encompasses just my whole lightness as of late. i can see in my own face the burden and worries that have been lifted from my being. and that realization is much more a gift than anything i have experienced for such a long time now.

i ate like a pig today...i don't know the last time i ever scarfed a huge cheeseburger and fries so quickly...we went to harry's tavern and i must admit it hit the spot especially after walking around the city sidewalks for hours on end. i love that today was so removed from everything and even though i was surrounded by people, it was nice to feel removed from everyone just the same.

ok, it's late...i'm off to the couch (sigh---i gave up my nice big bed for the guests this weekend)---ooh, but first i gotsta post my new favourite pic on my friendster....i'm such a dork.

oh yeah---one more amazing thing, i actually saw andy goldsworthy working on his new installation at the national gallery today. a couple weeks ago i watched his movie "rivers and tides" - but to see him working in person...wow...

got a letter from surrogate brother today expressing his grief:

So today one of my favorite actors passed away.

Ozzie Davis

He was one of the first black film directors in Hollywood, an active voice in the civil rights movement, and one of America's finest actors.

His role as Da Mayor in "Do the Right Thing" is forever burned in my memory, as he was the lone voice of reason against an angry mob ready to burn down a Korean grocery store.
One of my favorite roles of his was as former president JFK, who teams up with Elvis to battle an ancient Egyptian mummy.

He also briefly appeared recently in the most inspiring film I had seen in recent memory, "BAADASSSSS!"

he was 87.

Go rent "Do the Right Thing"

If you don't like it, then you suck.
later.

SON

long night...just walked into my door not an hour ago. i have made the decision to quit the photography class and immerse myself instead into a research/reading frenzy with marco frascari since he will be leaving the school permanently next fall and i need to squeeze the sponge as much as possible beforehand. there is a wealth of knowledge that i have barely begun to tap...yesterday was a design productive day, the design of the tool is well underway...time to begin the construction now. had an extremely lovely lunch, basking in the sun and eating with chopsticks. was questioned why i touch people when i see them, i guess i have this tendency to either poke or give a gentle squeeze of the arm, and i never came to this realization...my answer, i guess i am an affectionate person. did you know that babies who are touched and stroked lovingly grow faster, recover form illness more quickly, sleep better, and are potentially more intelligible? besides, human touch is probably the one need that our society is lacking...it could be that if everyone was hugged during the day, there would be much less angst and bitterness---welcome to jenn's solutions for world betterment. (currently reading "a natural history of the senses" in order that i may become better attuned to the senses of the body) it is nice to know that people are observant of my actions more than i am myself at times...and nice to hear qualities about yourself that are positive.

on another note, there was a small get together, celebrating Estonia's independence day, or as i was informed the day estonia and russia signed the official peace treaty 85 years ago. andro and darma held a little gathering with food and drink, much more drink of course, and nonchalant talk was had for hours. everyday i am amazed more and more by the strange interaction this school has amongst itself-it truly is a community that is rare to find...i mean, how many times in your lifetime can you say that you had a german, chilean, argentinian, estonian, californian, and ohio-an engaged in a common conversation. it is wonderful to have these conversations and know that with each word exchanged, my own mind is being opened to new possibilities...not to mention possible places to visit.

vocabulary word of the day --- labile (constantly undergoing or likely to undergo change; unstable; readily or continually undergoing chemical, physical, or biological change or breakdown; characterized by wide fluctuations; emotionally unstable --- my dictionary, the one i've been carrying around since junior high, did not contain this word...what the heck? how am i supposed to keep myself educated if my resources fail to provide me with enough information...goes back to discussion had yesterday on the topic of tolerances...and how just because something looks good, or has the appearance of professionality, an extremely false sense of precision is perceived. may i never look so good, or appear in such a way that i am perceived falsely...

realized that i've been posting studio related matters to here...need to stop doing that. will try to be better at separating my waking conscious life from that which pervades my subconscious.

my homemade soundtrack for today===>

Lonely Soul-UNKLE...Psyence Fiction
Angels (Original)-Wax Poetic featuring Norah Jones...Angels - Single
Such Great Heights-The Postal Service...Give Up
Lebanese Blonde-Thievery Corporation ...The Mirror Conspiracy
Atomic Moog 2000 (Post Nuclear Afterlife Lounge Mix)...Coldcut-Let Us Play!
Fevered-The Stills...Logic Will Break Your Heart
Hyped-Up Plus Tax-Dabrye...One/Three
Run Into Flowers-M83...Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts
Teardrop-Massive Attack...Mezzanine
Destiny-Zero 7...Simple Things
Retour a Vega (Album Version)-The Stills...Retour a Vega
Rez (1993)-Underworld...Underworld 1992-2002
Dirge-Death In Vegas...The Contino Sessions
Finally Woken-Jem...Finally Woken

listening to: "roads" by portishead

OF REPENTANCE "Others form man; I only report him: and represent a particular one, ill fashioned enough, and whom, if I had to model him anew, I should certainly make something else than what he is: but that's past recalling. Now, though the features of my picture alter and change, 'tis not, however, unlike: the world eternally turns round; all things therein are incessantly moving, the earth, the rocks of Caucaus, and the pyramids of Egypt, both by the public motion and their own. Even constancy itself is no other but a slower and more languishing motion. I cannot fix my object; 'tis always tottering and reeling by a natural giddiness: I take it as it is at the instant I consider it. I do not paint its being, I paint its passage, not a passing from one age to another, or, as the people say, from seven to seven years, but from day to day, from minute to minute. I must accomodate my history to the hour: I may permanently change, not only by fortune, but also by intention. 'Tis a counterpart of various and changeable accidents, and of irresolute imaginations, and as it falls out, sometimes contrary, whether it be that I am then another self, or that I take subjects by other circumstances and considerations: so it is, that I may peradventure contradict myself, but, as Demades said, I never contradict the truth. Could my soul once take footing, I would not essayer out resolve: but it is always learning and making trial. I propose a life ordinary and without luster: 'tis all one; all moral philosophy may as well be applied to a common and private life, as to one of richer composition: every man carries the entire form of human condition. Authors communicate themselves to the people by some especial and extrinsic mark: I, the first of any, by my universal being; as Michel de Montaigne, not as a grammarian, a poet, or a lawyer. If the world find fault that I speak too much of myself, I find fault that they do not so much as think of themselves."