fears...
for some reason tonight, i find myself listening to "a love supreme"...an album i haven't listened to for quite some time now. but as i type, john coltrane brings me to a place far away from here. to the state of washington and letters of love and missing, of forgiveness and hurt. i do not know if it is the innocence of being truly in love for the first time, or a connection that remains even through silence and years which have passed (for i feel he, above all, still knows me best)...whatever the case, i recall the moment on the beach where a hand reached out to save me from the overwhelming waves, three hour kisses on park benches, and moments of crying in the car at the nearby shopping mall parking lot.
"long ago, i drew a line into the sand, jumped across and held your held. band of gold protect us from the bitter tide that comes to wash away your words with time. hello you. hello me. hello hello. can't you see love is more than what it seems...."
there are days when moments of the past creep up on us. we, rather i, cannot help but feel a sense of missing.
it is not something which prevents me from the continual living, from the continual search for happiness. but instead, it becomes a moment for which i can propel myself further...i remember words exchanged in a park of forgiveness, of pieces of paper wrapped with a purple rubberband, and the way that the sun shone on his hair.
it would seem, that now, at this particular moment in time i should censor these words...to keep them from this public space away from the eyes/ears of others perhaps deeply intertwined into my now daily life. however, it is important to exchange such memories...to tell how they affected/infected/effected us. i cannot help these thoughts, in fact i wish i could share them with you but sometimes i feel as if i were living in a romanticized novel where our only exchanges happen on rendez-vouz weekends far away from reality. when in truth, there is pain, family histories, memories in which you cannot understand me unless you listen to these as well...i don't want to live in a fairy tale, as wonderful as that may seem...
i don't want to be afraid to speak what is on my mind. i fear having to guard my heart so closely. i want to tell you my background. the memories that guide me. the moments which are both intimate and painful. perhaps now is not the time...i understand this fully. maybe once we can narrow the broad horizons that lay before us...forgive me, for the bottle of wine and this mumbo-jumbo....but it all had to come out somehow, somewhere, sometime....
"long ago, i drew a line into the sand, jumped across and held your held. band of gold protect us from the bitter tide that comes to wash away your words with time. hello you. hello me. hello hello. can't you see love is more than what it seems...."
there are days when moments of the past creep up on us. we, rather i, cannot help but feel a sense of missing.
it is not something which prevents me from the continual living, from the continual search for happiness. but instead, it becomes a moment for which i can propel myself further...i remember words exchanged in a park of forgiveness, of pieces of paper wrapped with a purple rubberband, and the way that the sun shone on his hair.
it would seem, that now, at this particular moment in time i should censor these words...to keep them from this public space away from the eyes/ears of others perhaps deeply intertwined into my now daily life. however, it is important to exchange such memories...to tell how they affected/infected/effected us. i cannot help these thoughts, in fact i wish i could share them with you but sometimes i feel as if i were living in a romanticized novel where our only exchanges happen on rendez-vouz weekends far away from reality. when in truth, there is pain, family histories, memories in which you cannot understand me unless you listen to these as well...i don't want to live in a fairy tale, as wonderful as that may seem...
i don't want to be afraid to speak what is on my mind. i fear having to guard my heart so closely. i want to tell you my background. the memories that guide me. the moments which are both intimate and painful. perhaps now is not the time...i understand this fully. maybe once we can narrow the broad horizons that lay before us...forgive me, for the bottle of wine and this mumbo-jumbo....but it all had to come out somehow, somewhere, sometime....
