a letter from the old man arrived in my inbox today. it appeared out of nowhere and i was happy to see it...

From : john moyer
Sent : Monday, November 29, 2004 10:27 AM
To : fjennludwig@hotmail.com


I went for a walk at carp beach yesterday at low tide and there was a flock of gules setting on the beach and a 5 to 7 year old girl was making them fly by walking through them and they would lift off the sand like a giant blanket and slide around in formation in the wind to land 20 feet away. it was spectacular and as I was getting into my car to leave she was walking through them but they had grown acustom to here lack of mallice and just looked up at her. may we all walk through this day with that same lack of mallice and still get the birds to fly.

well, i'm back at school and the vacation has finally come to an end. sigh, too bad, i was enjoying myself to much. anyhow, the trip to california was nice but because of the wedding, there was not too much time to just sit back and relax. i'm so glad that i decided to go to new york, even though it was kind of a last minute decision (i didn't finally decide till i was already in california!) the trip was worthwhile in giving me some space to learn how to breathe and stretch my arms again. it is always nice to see old friends and converse with new people. not only does it cause you to remember the things you personally have done in your own life, but it gives youthe opportunity to expose yourself to new moments and new ideas/objectives.

i met a girl from daly city who understood and knew the punchline to the rice cooker joke before i could even finish. her (velba - i scribe her name here so that i hope to remember it) and laurie may possibly visit d.c. in january. that would be wonderful. she has such a cute laugh that it is almost catching.

i ate enough turkey to last me a few months. i can't believe the men at this thanksgiving potluck probably cooked 10 times better than the girls. who ever heard of a guy baking sweet potato pie?! anyhow, it puts my cooking to shame and makes me want to work much harder at it...free time where have you gone to so i can experiment?

the next day was spent walking with an old friend whom i am glad to have. old friendships that have lasted through the years, the kind where a person knows who you are and the fundamentals of your personality, these kinds of friendships are essential when we are at our low points. they pick you up and remind you who you are. the day was spent wandering the streets of new york with no real goal or purpose of place...just casual walking, and casual conversation, nothing forced, no confrontation, no reason for excuses or proving of oneself. it was a break in comparison to what i've been through these past few weeks.

in the evening we met some other familiar faces that helped the time just fly by. arriving at 10 and the next thing we knew it was 5 in the morning...when was the last time that i was enjoying myself so much that time passed by so quickly without me noticing?? i cannot remember.

awaken from my deep sleep the next morning, a new friend called and picked me up in new york and after another day of walking endlessly through congested streets, we headed back to d.c. together - this time via train. this trip was full of new experiences and as i told my train companion, the intent was to totally not have to make any decisions and just let everything be as fluid as my intuition led me. for this i am thankful that my intuition led me to places of happiness and smiles. for a long time, my eyes and heart have been clouded with anger and despair, disappointment and hurt, but today things are beginning to look brighter.

it must even be noticeable for more than four people today have commented that i look different. i haven't changed anything, i haven't grown any, my clothes are still the same...it must be apparent that my mood is lighter. and that in turn make me feel even better. i know that the road to being fully cured is a long one, and i do not intend to rush it - this only leads to more damage. but i do hope that this little break has given me access to a new attitude that i had nearly forgotten - how to enjoy life for the everyday miracles.

so who would have thought that getting back home would be such an ordeal. as i type, i should have just been arriving in new york via bus. however, thanks to the beauty of thunderstorms and tornadoes in houston, a three hour delay and the loss of my baggage, i am still here sitting in my pj's waiting for my bag to arrive so i can quickly shift to a smaller bag and charge my phone and then hop on the internet to buy another bus ticket so i can hopefully arrive in ny sometime late tonight. eesh. is my bag going to get here yet or what?

here you go hot, matty-matt. you said that in my pics i always looked bummed out. well, here i am with my family, soaking up the california sun....and guess what? i'm smiling! big difference huh?

the night before the big day...us cousins just messing around and reuniting during the rehearsal dinner.





christine and i getting all prettied up. we wished we could have this special treatment everyday...sigh...




the first family photo in years and years...


uncle was my handsome date for the day...


the beautiful bride and groom celebrating their first dance to etta james' "at last"...how romantic.


getting ready to pass out from the days activities and dethrone myself from princess-dom.


back to normal but still happy to take pictures because our hair still looks so pretty


the entire family...for once i feel tall. :)

here i am just playing...

favourite cd for the last two weeks - "hopes and fears" by keane. it encompasses more than anything how i have felt these last few days. the sound envelopes and wraps around me. i realize that i have never actually really paid attention to what this band looks like and yet i am madly in love with everything about them. sigh - where has the music gone in my life? intermixed here are some pictures of the james turrell light exhibit i saw at the mattress factory. it was absolutely amazing.



"Somewhere Only We Know"

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?



"We Might As Well Be Strangers"

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know

"This Is The Last Time"

This is the last time
That I will say these words
I remember the first time
The first of many lies
Sweep it into the corner
Or hide it under the bed
Say these things they go away
But they never do
Something I wasn't sure of
But I was in the middle of
Something I forget now
But I've seen too little of

The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I no I don't mind

This is the last time
That I will show my face
One last tender lie
And then I'm out of this place
So tread it into the carpet
Or hide it under the stairs
Say that some things never die
Well I tried and I tried

Something I wasn't sure of
But I was in the middle of
Something I forget now
But I've seen too little of

The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I no I don't mind

The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I know I don't mind

for those of you sending me all your question filled emails - no this is not a new boy in my life. there are no boys in my life nor do i want any right now. someday i will be walking in the street and our paths will cross and from that moment of crossing the paths will be forever one. even despite all the horror stories i have, i am still a hopeless romantic. if i end up being alone, living in a victorian house on telegraph hill, with a gazillion cats while i rock in my rocker, then so be it. sometimes ideals are much more important than realities...besides, i've been told on more than one occassion now - jenn, do not settle for anything less. i will remember these words always.
 

hey all, so i posted the images. sorry there are no accompanying captions this time. too much stuff going on right now and thinking about being in california in 2 days makes me antsy. there are a few pics of me...some of you complained that i never put pictures of me and only of stupid buildings all the time. lol. anyhow, i need to get some pictures of the rest of the group, since tall matt was my museum buddy for most of the trip i have a couple of us standing side by side....notice the careful placement of his hand in the polka dot room (ooh-la-la). and the other one of he and i i'm standing on the curb. lol - makes me smile cuz i remember height differentials from time to time with a certain someone. anyhow, i'm so thankful for mattymatt, asian matt, mikey mike,lydia, kelli, and sam for making this trip so much more bearable for me. there has been a lot of drama lately (it seems to go well with this season of my annual life cycle). anyhow, i just want to remember them all for being there and supporting me and making me laugh and staying awake in the car while i drove and playing cool music, and walking by my side just being there. it really makes everything so much more amiable when there are people to share in these moments. i love you guys! ok, i have to get drawings ready and things settled so i can figure out how to get all this stuff ready before 6am thursday...eesh i hate early morning flights! but on the brighter side, i'll be picked up on the other end by my oh so very wonderful brother and soon see my dearest mom and dad shortly afterwards. then the wedding awaits...it should be an interesting weekend.