no wonder me & her get along so well

isabelle, isabelle, my darling isabelle...

needy child you scored 80 neediness!

OK, so it seems like you have that needy child inside, that child that needs to feel loved and wants everybody showing him they love him/her all the time, or else he feels unwanted; that child who cries when he/she is left alone in the house, the not at all independent child... sweet huh? only that freakin' kid u've got inside is screwing any chance of getting a decent lady/guy!! but in your case this needy thing only comes out from time to time, not all the time; so my advice is sending that fucking kid to foster home and be the secure adult you are supposed to be.

the needy-o-meter test

selfish song of the day

Contrary to popular opinion

The very best things in life are for free
Through a practice that I call donation
I get the things I want quite easily
I got a chip on my shoulder
And a halo on my head
I'm an angel with an attitude
And my favorite color's red
I got god on my side
Who's that? Hell, I don't know
But I practice my religion
While I'm stepping on your toes
Goodness knows
I gave more than I took
Goodness knows
I ain't no saint I ain't no crook
Looking hard, yeah you busy bee
For a simple word you charge a simple fee
It's a little too late for too little
But it's never too late for a lot
It's a little too late for too little
But it's never too late to take 'em for what they got
Feed the world a giant crust of bread
Bake a cake and give it to 'em when they're dead
Well I'll take that cake and I will eat it too
I'll get more than I need so I can share the rest with you.

"Angel With an Attitude" by the DittyBops

choking

"'The only frontier we have left is the world of intangibles. Everything else is sewn up too tight'... The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think, she said. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. If you do that, you can change the way people live their lives. And that's the only lasting thing you can create. Besides, at some point...your memories, your stories and adventures, will be the only thins you'll have left...'My goal is to be an engine of excitement in people's lives'...'My purpose is to give people glorious stories to tell.'"

from Choke by Chuck Palahniuk p. 159-160

what once was there, will never be again, a story must be told

it is a sad thing when great things are torn down, taken away, demolished, destroyed...not too much longer than a year ago i was walking, wandering the streets of berlin and this lovely building and i had a conversation with one another. i didn't know what the building was at the moment, after six weeks of looking at maps and figuring out "the places to go", i was tired of planning ahead. i remember stopping in front of the palast de republik, looking up and thinking wow. plywood had become adequate replacements for windows of glass. the chain link fence hugged the building but at a distance of 3 meters all around...as if to say, "no way that i dare touch you, you dirty, old, falling apart building..."

*sigh*

following one link to another link to another via blog after blog, i fortuitously found a post dedicated solely to the old palast. it seems that it is bound for the land where only memories will keep it alive...demolition has begun already.

the beauty of this building was not the built entity of the palast itself, but rather the wonderful reflections of berliner dom from across the street. in reality, the domes that rest atop the baroque church are made of copper, the patina has turned to its green, but in an ugly manner that makes the church look dull and uninviting.

but in the reflection of the palast's bronze-like windows, the domed church takes on a life of its own. it becomes golden, a little mirage of heaven and not of this world where time destroys and weather copper and makes marble stain with dirt. in the relfection the building remains pristine & glorious.

i wonder if those who are tearing down the palast realize this: that in the demolition of the palast they are in fact really destroying the life of two buildings.

the images they use show the palast alone, decrepit...a ploy to hide the real wonders of the building...look closer and you might be able to have that wonderful silent conversation that i stumbled upon that day. just you and the golden domes, with the magical bronze windows as the mediator.

the death has already begun, and you can watch it here.

creating my own personal happiness for the day

there are just some days when no matter how much people try their best to make us crack a smile and make us happy, it just doesn't work. the happiness has to come from inside ourselves. it is not meant to offend you who try so hard...the trying is much appreciated, really it is. but like those wonderful pictures of the abandoned amusement park (see here, here, & here), no fun can be had unless there are people on board (conductor & passenger alike)...i guess today as much as i tried my best, my frustrations got the better of me. no matter how many passengers hopped on board, this conductor just wasn't going anywhere. so i decided to take matters into my own hands and make a little something that will put a smile on this face...

what heaven must be like...

as seen on archinect via my quite-wonderful flock news setup (it's like my own morning newspaper, save for the fact that i don't have to sift thru the sections i don't like!):

"California Coastal Records Project>>>Welcome to the California Coastal Records Project, an aerial photographic survey of the California Coastline from Oregon to Mexico. See this remarkable survey with many implications and uses."
*siiiiiiggggh* now i can visit my own personal piece of heaven (my favourite california beach of course) whenever i want...*big happy, wonderous smiles*

celebrity status

my boyfriend is famous.......and i am officially not. ;( the four eyed monsters used HIS picture in episode 7.6! he was soo incredibly happy...i know he was hiding it for my sake but i could see him secretly doing cartwheels inside. see if you can spot his picture yourself!

*gulp*

you are 68% evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

how evil are you?

connections to dorian gray

"Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To smoke opium is to get out of the train while it is still moving. It is to concern oneself with something other than life or death." -Jean Cocteau

btw...i finished the book at last! woohoo! and it occurs to me that stories that are written today have no moral to them. it seems that in previous centuries, literature and the author wrote for the purpose of "having something to say"...to express some notion to the general audience that everyone "knows" but is afraid to say out loud. a friend of mine just finished reading "pride and prejudice" by jane austen and i "the picture of dorian gray" by oscar wilde. i recall the immense sympathy that i felt for raskolnikov in doestoevsky's "crime and punishment". the modern novel, perhaps i haven't read too many novels written of our time, doesn't seem to possess the same type of power to relate the character to you, the reader.

for example, although dorian gray was a 20 something male who had a benefactor which made him forever wealthy, attending operas and smoking in opium dens, i could very much understand the voice in his head. i'm definitely not forever wealthy, nor have i ever been to an opera and much less an opium den, but i could hear the conversations of thought that made his heart & motives go tick-tock very much within my own self.

everyone is in love with the dan brown novels these days..."the davinci code" and "angels & demons". i haven't read them yet, and so maybe i'm judgments that i shouldn't, but i just can't imagine how these books can "speak" to an audience for such a long period of time. what are going to be the dorian gray's and elizabeth bennett's of our day?

maybe eric is right...in our day and age, no one wants to be reminded of morality.

classic us

and i quote from her myspace page: "liz + jenn reunited at last : mayhem and french fries ensues. "

a map to add myself to...

once we drop off deposit money tomorrow and i know FOR CERTAIN this is where i'm going to be living, the first thing i'm going to due after sighing for relief from the freedom of homelessness, is to add myself to the

nyc bloggers by subway stop map.

yippee...jump for joy for i'm such the dork!

i'm here sitting in liz's new apartment, next to my darling liz. we are silent at the moment, both tip-typing away on the laptops (flashbacks to java-u!)...i owe her much loove for letting eric and i stay here with her and ruining her weekend of good sleep (she's putting herself out on the twin sized air mattress just for he & i...poor girl). anyhoo, i owe her dinner...something more rewarding than just a hug. we went out last night and had drunken ice-cream twisted, of course, and massive amounts of fries (more flashbacks to $2 canadian chinese windows). i'm going to like being in this city...

now, eveyone just keep their fingers crossed that the apartment we want will be ours by tomorrow afternoon...pray for divine intervention this time.

we've been spending a lot of time on blankets & sitting with one another

a capitol fourth, er i mean third...the dusky evening hours of july 3rd were spent on the west lawn of the u.s. capitol. we were able to see the entire rehearsal minus the crowds and fireworks and torrential rain...the symphony played in our ears and small children bounced and spun around us...we got hungry because everyone else had brought picnic munchies...all i had to offer was water and a box of mentos.

the sun went down on us and it was the most beautiful piece of orange warmth setting just above the canadian embassy on our distant right. how wonderful it is to lay on a blanket, smell the green, green rass around you, look up into the sky and see one small moving dot of a plane above leaving streaks behind it...even more wonderful when you realize everyone else around you is looking at the show instead and you are the only two who see the treasure in the sky.

saturday lounging in alexandria by the water at powhatan park...we had our own little piece of grass, he went for an afternoon run along the boardwalk towards the wilson bridge...i picked wild flowers, tied them in a green stem bow, and bestowed them upon him. *smile*

we went to the spy museum this day...the afternoon was so perfect that it called for afternoon reading in the sun at the national sculpture garden fountain and then later a magnolia tree shaded nap on a bench.

at home relaxing on the couch...he's installing linux on the desktop in the background & showing me his joglog on his laptop...

posting just to post

i've been urged that i should write something in order that my previous 4 emails get pushed down, down, down out-of-sight and swallowed up into the deep dark depths of the scroll bar. i haven't really felt like writing anything at all. perhaps it is because things just don't seem to be falling quite into place as i had dreamed of (not that i have been working extremely hard at changing that)...the only thing i can attribute it too is the phrase "resistance to change". i think that we all at one point or another resist change. in this case i mentally and emotionally welcome it. i cannot wait to leave this city, to find new places of solace since i feel i have established none here even after five years of living here. i've never really been able to call this town my home...yes, it is the place where i lay my head down to sleep at night. yes, it is where i have managed to scrape out some existence of a living. i've allowed a very small amount of people to enter into my heart and call them my friends, only to be burnt time and time again. i was so happy when i first moved here...i remember doing cartwheels in my studio apartment, the first time i have ever really lived all by myself for myself. and now, reminiscing such a moment i can't help but think, "what the hell were you thinking?" i suppose all of this may be subconsciously lingering in the recesses of my brain, contributing to my "resistance to change". i cannot wait to move and begin anew...to do cartwheels in my new apartment, which if all goes well, i'll be able to do more than just two before having to turn around the other direction.

the boy has been here with me now for a month and this in itself was change. i was fearful and scared of this by itself, not to mention the prospect of moving to new york with him, living with him, and just plain BEing with him. i am secretly happy that our july 1 apartment fell thru the cracks, it has minimized the stressed and drastic changes of getting to know each other + finding a new job + living in a new city rather to just enjoying each other's company...and for this i am very grateful. although at times i realize that he himself has picked up and changed cities and is in a sort of waiting zone...sigh...

so...i wonder just exactly how much i need to write to get that "i'm drunk" post off the top of the page...

did i mention that i bought my very own domain www.linesthatwalk.com the other day and started fiddling around...there isn't too much to see at the moment, just some tinkering that i did in flash, but hopefully soon it there will be more pretty things to see. i'm so happy that i could name it after my favourite paul klee regiment - "a line is merely a dot going for a walk" - you can see my silliness and how i made my dot go for a silly little shuffle across your screen.

i'm sorry i haven't been more blog inspiring or flickr happy...as i say, i write when i'm happy...and tho i'm happy (er, content is probably better) i am not settled and so that leads to unease and a discomfort that keeps me from writing constantly. i don't want you to worry, it's nothing to get upset about...change is in the air, that is all...