posting just to post

i've been urged that i should write something in order that my previous 4 emails get pushed down, down, down out-of-sight and swallowed up into the deep dark depths of the scroll bar. i haven't really felt like writing anything at all. perhaps it is because things just don't seem to be falling quite into place as i had dreamed of (not that i have been working extremely hard at changing that)...the only thing i can attribute it too is the phrase "resistance to change". i think that we all at one point or another resist change. in this case i mentally and emotionally welcome it. i cannot wait to leave this city, to find new places of solace since i feel i have established none here even after five years of living here. i've never really been able to call this town my home...yes, it is the place where i lay my head down to sleep at night. yes, it is where i have managed to scrape out some existence of a living. i've allowed a very small amount of people to enter into my heart and call them my friends, only to be burnt time and time again. i was so happy when i first moved here...i remember doing cartwheels in my studio apartment, the first time i have ever really lived all by myself for myself. and now, reminiscing such a moment i can't help but think, "what the hell were you thinking?" i suppose all of this may be subconsciously lingering in the recesses of my brain, contributing to my "resistance to change". i cannot wait to move and begin anew...to do cartwheels in my new apartment, which if all goes well, i'll be able to do more than just two before having to turn around the other direction.

the boy has been here with me now for a month and this in itself was change. i was fearful and scared of this by itself, not to mention the prospect of moving to new york with him, living with him, and just plain BEing with him. i am secretly happy that our july 1 apartment fell thru the cracks, it has minimized the stressed and drastic changes of getting to know each other + finding a new job + living in a new city rather to just enjoying each other's company...and for this i am very grateful. although at times i realize that he himself has picked up and changed cities and is in a sort of waiting zone...sigh...

so...i wonder just exactly how much i need to write to get that "i'm drunk" post off the top of the page...

did i mention that i bought my very own domain www.linesthatwalk.com the other day and started fiddling around...there isn't too much to see at the moment, just some tinkering that i did in flash, but hopefully soon it there will be more pretty things to see. i'm so happy that i could name it after my favourite paul klee regiment - "a line is merely a dot going for a walk" - you can see my silliness and how i made my dot go for a silly little shuffle across your screen.

i'm sorry i haven't been more blog inspiring or flickr happy...as i say, i write when i'm happy...and tho i'm happy (er, content is probably better) i am not settled and so that leads to unease and a discomfort that keeps me from writing constantly. i don't want you to worry, it's nothing to get upset about...change is in the air, that is all...