just a few more thoughts before i go to lay my head on my pillow for the nite...tonite will mark my last night in this state and towne for a little while. it's strange how one can feel like they are free and suffocating simultaneously. there is a certain comfort here that i have not found anywhere else, whether it be in family, or friends, or just merely knowing where certain things are. but at the same moment, there is an extreme melancholy and distance that accompanies the familiarity. memories of times long ago rush back, and it is hard for me to go places without thinking of them. i have not been here long enough to make new memories to blanket the old. i fear the day that i no longer will remember them and yet i wish they would always be branded upon me as a scar. people make such an impact on our lives, and in trueness, that really is all that we are to one another, the connections and small encounters that each of us has with other human beings. whether the time we brush shoulders is brief, over coffee or a small hello in passing, or numerous evenings in a row for years and years, the time is never too short or too long---it is what it is, and for this it should be appreciated.

although i spent a lot of my time working with my dad this trip, i am grateful for discipline and reminder of hard work. perhaps the exposure to sunlite did my brain cells some good, you know not getting enough oxygen and all. i am thankful for the reminder that my family is a constant in this scene of ever-changing characters. i long for consistency...and yet it is good that i remain to understand and know that the only consistency is found in the One who loves us more than any man's comprehension. this is the only constant, and the only sure hand that i have to hold on to or hold me in return.

i am anxious to get back. fearful to the impeding decisions i must make. i can only hope that i can allow my heart to open wide enough that my path will be made straight and the guiding hand can lead my blind self.

i fear thoughts of being used to the fullest but know that fear is from somewhere dark.

i am ready to go back to where the land is grey...no one seems to appreciate the colour of things around here. or maybe i have just been without colour for so long that i have forgotten. i hope never to forget again. colour and the close proximity of water, a sign of renewal and rejuvination.

whatever it is, this place hydrates me.