my uncle wanted to give me this for xmas....oh how i wanted to take him home with me...

holiday wishes from marco...

this was supposed to be posted 2 days ago...been backed up since conversations with family and working have overtaken the last 24 hours - but i think i'll just list a few highlights/updates of what has been going on the last week or so:

*my anomaly called last monday and i was able to fill in all the blanks since thanksgiving. funny cuz when i answered the phone i was greeted with a "hey, fellow partner in crime..." so true. anyhow, after a careful exchange of dramatic storytelling, the conversation drew to a close and i longed for green tea in aqua pots and a cracked aqua cup. i missed waking up for a moment to a bright, sunshiny room and watching the windswept leaves dance outside the window.

*i spent a few days after finals were over relaxing and walking the streets of alexandria. it snowed and cleaned me of thoughts and the brisk air filled me with a sense of renewal. a friend had a party at his house the evening the snow and freeze came, a little celebration and good-bye to those who will be going back to chile & germany. so sad, and yet such a good time was had. although, i must admit, i may, er...um, i mean, i definitely had a little too much too drink. the combination of 1/2 bottle red wine + 1/2 bottle of champagne + 1 too many questions and comments about how well i'm doing in spite of everything = an embarrassing and tough few moments going home. so happy and grateful to have surrounded myself with such understanding and supportive friends. i am truly blessed with the most awesome friends and companions. if it weren't for these beings, i would truly feel like it were me versus the world. (note to self: do not let adorable, german boys keep pouring champagne into your glass!)

*went to my old office's holiday party at salo's house with different boy this year...it did stir up a slight amount of questions but they were for the most part avoided and understood. so glad i brought the one and only e.k. (he came out number 1 amongst the handful of options i had in mind)...dressed the part as always - and in the most awesome stripes, was confident to mingle that i didn't have any need to worry at all throughout the night, whipped out the multi-lingualness that impressed a few, sparked a conversation with the coolest structural engineer ever that later led to the structural guru's very in depth conversation with me, totally bragged the next day about how i was part of one of the most awesome houses he's ever been in...thoughtful, very thoughtful. and though we are merely friends, an understanding runs between us that if he ever finds the right ashton kutcher, he's introducing me to him in a sec...now how kewl is that? and what boy is confident enough to acknowledge that some boys are just too pretty for words?! e.k. you are just way too cool.

*on other boy notes...i've realized that i need to be a little more sensitive towards others feelings, as i am beginning to see that some are not at the same maturity level or have had the depth of experience as i may have encountered in my so far 26 years of life. while some say, "eh, we are young and we are supposed to have fun!" others are overwhelmed by feelings that may lead to...um, well uncomfortable "i dunno's".

*after the day of the party, i woke up extremely early and walked in what i later found out to be 8 degree weather, back to school to speak some words with 2 individuals in particular. isn't it just the most wonderful feeling to know that honesty and a complete openess of conversation can be the most healthy thing when tough times are to be faced and obstacles/feelings to be overcome? i have met some of the most amazing individuals (note the emphasized plural of individuals) these last few weeks. and for this reason, i am very happy that certain things transpired this past semester. it is only through the conversations and shared experiences with other people, that our own eyes can be opened up. speaking with my father, who shares this same notion, that the more people we choose to expose our lives to, the better and more growth we ourselves can experience...perhaps this is what i have been lacking these past few years. i think that i shut myself out to the world...whomever i wish to be with in the longterm future should not hinder this growth, but have the same enjoyment for exposure and ever-expanding friendship.

*since i've been back, my dad proposed a money making operation to mybrother and i. so, since i am over budget these past few months, how could i turn down the offer. in turn then, today, as well as the next few days, will be filled with dreams of drywall and paint and spackle. fun, fun, fun. actually, despite the fact that it is my vacation at home, i can't imagine not coming home and working on some sort of project with dad. it is part of what makes home home.

*i really want to spend some time in the city while i am at home this time...last time i didn't get too much of a chance to do so...or to have coffee with peoples and long talks, nor have time to take a trip to my beach. sigh.

*spent some time yesterday with my brother and his friend. we ate pho, and went to fry's, and goldilocks to pick up some filipino mamon. it was pretty cool and i felt a boost of confidence when my brother's friend told me that i'm one of the few actual "adults" that knew of his past life. does that make me the cool oder sister? hope so.

*(stretch) i need a massage....it's been a long, long, long while since someone gave me a really, really, enjoyable, and completely relaxing massage.

*i really have no desire right now to put any effort into any kind of friendship my no-longer-other-half. it will take some time to not cringe when the phone rings and i see his name. it will take perhaps more time to have a really meaningful conversation where netiehr of us says something that hurts the other in some manner. he does not realize this right at this moment, and feels that we can sugar coat and make everything better instantaneously. after almost 4-1/2 years of hurting one another, it wouldn't surprise me if it takes just as long to heal what has been hurt. from past experience, it takes almost this time to start something new, to have a friendship where you can talk about what has transpired during your day without any attached emotion to the past. but there are still some issues of forgiveness that must be dealt with and a true, real friendship cannot ensue or begin until these things are left behind for good.

*just tried to called my latvian princess...but my phone is having issues here in california. she is a devoted follower to my blog though and hopefully will read this and know that i have not forgotten her. although i do have some stories for her to be jealous of that i have to share. we really need a girl-talk session soon. january 12 i will be back...when can we go get our nails done?
*ali, the playa, called to check up on me...seriously, i have the most awesome of friends.

*ok, i should start writing my paper for marco....time is counting down, and i really need to begin again...

there are good days and there are bad days. yesterday started good, had a very bad episode, and then turned good again. it's amazing what a phone call to mom, making dinner with some friends, and shooting a few rounds of pool, and then a drink and venting session with the roommate on the back porch can do to cheer a person up. not to mention, a few random phone calls afterwards to clear up the air and make sure things are straight and no one is mad or feelings are not hurt, etc.

someone told me this morning that i had mad love, just no one around to give it to. there is so much truth in this statement that it almost quite nearly hurts.

"I witness with pleasure the supreme achievement of memory, which is the masterly use it makes of innate harmonies when gathering to its fold the suspended and wandering tonalities of the past. I like to imagine, in consummation and resolution of those jangling chords, something as enduring, in retrospect, as the long table that on summer birthdays and namedays used to be laid for afternoon chocolate out of doors, in an alley of birches, limes and maples at its debouchment on the smooth sanded space of the garden proper that separated the park and the house. I see the tablecloth and the faces of seated people sharing in the animation of light and shade beneath a moving, a fabulous foliage, exaggerated, no doubt, by the same faculty of impassioned commemoration, of ceaseless return, that makes me always approach that banquet table from the outside, from the depth of the park —as if the mind, in order to go back thither, had to do so with the silent steps of a prodigal, faint with excitement.

Through a tremulous prism, I distinguish the features of relatives and familiars, mute lips serenely moving in forgotten speech. I see the steam of the chocolate and the plates of blueberry tarts. I note the small helicopter of a revolving samara that gently descends upon the tablecloth, and, lying across the table, an adolescent girl's bare arm indolently extended as far as it will go, with its turquoise-veined underside turned up to the flaky sunlight, the palm open in lazy expectancy of something —perhaps the nutcracker. In the place where my current tutor sits, there is a changeful image, a succession of fade-ins and fade-outs; the pulsation of my thought mingles with that of the leaf shadows and turns Ordo into Max and Max into Lenski and Lenski into the schoolmaster, and the whole array of trembling, transformations is repeated.

And then, suddenly, just when the colors and outlines settle at last to their various duties —smiling, frivolous duties —some knob is touched and a torrent of sounds comes to life: voices speaking all together, a walnut cracked, the click of a nutcracker carelessly passed, thirty human hearts drowning mine with their regular beats; the sough and sigh of a thousand trees, the local concord of loud summer birds, and, beyond the river, behind the rhythmic trees, the confused and enthusiastic hullabaloo of bathing young villagers, like a background of wild applause."

Vladimir Nabokov in Speak, Memory: An Autobiography Revisited (1966),(A reflection from his Russian childhood, around 1912). (1899-1977); novelist, poet, scholar, translator, and lepidopterist (he enjoyed chasing and collecting butterflies). A cosmopolitan Russian-born émigré whose linguistic facility, erudite style, and eloquent prose helped to establish him as one of the most brilliant and respected literary figures of the 20th century. Nabokov's best-known novel, Lolita (1955), shocked many people but its humor and literary style were praised by critics. Nabokov produced literature and scholarship of beauty, complexity, and inventiveness in both Russian and English. Nabokov himself used to say "My head speaks English, my heart speaks Russian and my ear speaks French". *Synaesthesia: Vladimir Nabobov was a synesthete, as was also his mother, his wife, and his son Dimitri.

The song for today comes from Pedro the Lion's "It's Hard to Find a Friend Made in Mexico" -

The Longest Winter
Spring comes slowly to this old friend. Still I'm frozen, I still live alone.
In time memories fade, senses numb, one forgets how it feels to have loved completely.
Love well young man, while you still can. Once your leaves turn you won't love again.
In time memories fade, senses numb, one forgets how it feels to have loved completely, completely.

Is it special when you're lonely, will you spend your whole life in a studio apartment with a cat for a wife? The seasons, when they call you do you barricade the door? Are you stubborn, stubborn, stubborn to the core? Is it your way or the highway? Is it your way or the highway? Is it your way or the highway? Is it your way or the highway? Then the longest winter is on her way, you called her without knowing it but now it's too late.

my response to the old man -

From: jenn ludwig
Sent: Monday, November 29, 2004 2:47PM
To: lawnmoyer@hotmail.com

funny but i was just thinking of you. i was thinking of this impending christmas vacation that is near approaching and how i would spend my time. i thought it would be nice to see those faces for once that i have been neglecting for so long. i am trying to relearn how to stretch my wings and regain the freedom of mind that one tends to lose when relying on someone else for so long. i spent the thanksgiving holidays with giuliana at her potluck feast, and stayed with an old friend and walked the city streets with him. it was beautiful to see the streets of new york transformed instantaneously over night. the day after thanksgiving the christmas season appeared in one blast. the trees and decorations magically grew out of the ground and the window displays constructed mechanical trains and scenes of winter bliss in the blink of the eye. i refused to take pictures of this trip merely for the fact that i wanted to remember it for the "blurred memories" that always seem 10 times better than a picture. i am glad that you wrote me of your bird flocking girl. it reminds me a lot of me these past couple years, trying so hard to make the birds fly around me. when i just need to realize that the birds are already used to me, and i need to find a new source of entertainment. thank you for reminding me of this.

on another note, i was in california for a pre-thanksgiving wedding. i have pictures on my site. i felt like a princess, getting all dressed up like a doll. have a wonderful day, my very dear friend.

love,
jenn

a letter from the old man arrived in my inbox today. it appeared out of nowhere and i was happy to see it...

From : john moyer
Sent : Monday, November 29, 2004 10:27 AM
To : fjennludwig@hotmail.com


I went for a walk at carp beach yesterday at low tide and there was a flock of gules setting on the beach and a 5 to 7 year old girl was making them fly by walking through them and they would lift off the sand like a giant blanket and slide around in formation in the wind to land 20 feet away. it was spectacular and as I was getting into my car to leave she was walking through them but they had grown acustom to here lack of mallice and just looked up at her. may we all walk through this day with that same lack of mallice and still get the birds to fly.

well, i'm back at school and the vacation has finally come to an end. sigh, too bad, i was enjoying myself to much. anyhow, the trip to california was nice but because of the wedding, there was not too much time to just sit back and relax. i'm so glad that i decided to go to new york, even though it was kind of a last minute decision (i didn't finally decide till i was already in california!) the trip was worthwhile in giving me some space to learn how to breathe and stretch my arms again. it is always nice to see old friends and converse with new people. not only does it cause you to remember the things you personally have done in your own life, but it gives youthe opportunity to expose yourself to new moments and new ideas/objectives.

i met a girl from daly city who understood and knew the punchline to the rice cooker joke before i could even finish. her (velba - i scribe her name here so that i hope to remember it) and laurie may possibly visit d.c. in january. that would be wonderful. she has such a cute laugh that it is almost catching.

i ate enough turkey to last me a few months. i can't believe the men at this thanksgiving potluck probably cooked 10 times better than the girls. who ever heard of a guy baking sweet potato pie?! anyhow, it puts my cooking to shame and makes me want to work much harder at it...free time where have you gone to so i can experiment?

the next day was spent walking with an old friend whom i am glad to have. old friendships that have lasted through the years, the kind where a person knows who you are and the fundamentals of your personality, these kinds of friendships are essential when we are at our low points. they pick you up and remind you who you are. the day was spent wandering the streets of new york with no real goal or purpose of place...just casual walking, and casual conversation, nothing forced, no confrontation, no reason for excuses or proving of oneself. it was a break in comparison to what i've been through these past few weeks.

in the evening we met some other familiar faces that helped the time just fly by. arriving at 10 and the next thing we knew it was 5 in the morning...when was the last time that i was enjoying myself so much that time passed by so quickly without me noticing?? i cannot remember.

awaken from my deep sleep the next morning, a new friend called and picked me up in new york and after another day of walking endlessly through congested streets, we headed back to d.c. together - this time via train. this trip was full of new experiences and as i told my train companion, the intent was to totally not have to make any decisions and just let everything be as fluid as my intuition led me. for this i am thankful that my intuition led me to places of happiness and smiles. for a long time, my eyes and heart have been clouded with anger and despair, disappointment and hurt, but today things are beginning to look brighter.

it must even be noticeable for more than four people today have commented that i look different. i haven't changed anything, i haven't grown any, my clothes are still the same...it must be apparent that my mood is lighter. and that in turn make me feel even better. i know that the road to being fully cured is a long one, and i do not intend to rush it - this only leads to more damage. but i do hope that this little break has given me access to a new attitude that i had nearly forgotten - how to enjoy life for the everyday miracles.

so who would have thought that getting back home would be such an ordeal. as i type, i should have just been arriving in new york via bus. however, thanks to the beauty of thunderstorms and tornadoes in houston, a three hour delay and the loss of my baggage, i am still here sitting in my pj's waiting for my bag to arrive so i can quickly shift to a smaller bag and charge my phone and then hop on the internet to buy another bus ticket so i can hopefully arrive in ny sometime late tonight. eesh. is my bag going to get here yet or what?

here you go hot, matty-matt. you said that in my pics i always looked bummed out. well, here i am with my family, soaking up the california sun....and guess what? i'm smiling! big difference huh?

the night before the big day...us cousins just messing around and reuniting during the rehearsal dinner.





christine and i getting all prettied up. we wished we could have this special treatment everyday...sigh...




the first family photo in years and years...


uncle was my handsome date for the day...


the beautiful bride and groom celebrating their first dance to etta james' "at last"...how romantic.


getting ready to pass out from the days activities and dethrone myself from princess-dom.


back to normal but still happy to take pictures because our hair still looks so pretty


the entire family...for once i feel tall. :)

here i am just playing...

favourite cd for the last two weeks - "hopes and fears" by keane. it encompasses more than anything how i have felt these last few days. the sound envelopes and wraps around me. i realize that i have never actually really paid attention to what this band looks like and yet i am madly in love with everything about them. sigh - where has the music gone in my life? intermixed here are some pictures of the james turrell light exhibit i saw at the mattress factory. it was absolutely amazing.



"Somewhere Only We Know"

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?



"We Might As Well Be Strangers"

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know

"This Is The Last Time"

This is the last time
That I will say these words
I remember the first time
The first of many lies
Sweep it into the corner
Or hide it under the bed
Say these things they go away
But they never do
Something I wasn't sure of
But I was in the middle of
Something I forget now
But I've seen too little of

The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I no I don't mind

This is the last time
That I will show my face
One last tender lie
And then I'm out of this place
So tread it into the carpet
Or hide it under the stairs
Say that some things never die
Well I tried and I tried

Something I wasn't sure of
But I was in the middle of
Something I forget now
But I've seen too little of

The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I no I don't mind

The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I know I don't mind

for those of you sending me all your question filled emails - no this is not a new boy in my life. there are no boys in my life nor do i want any right now. someday i will be walking in the street and our paths will cross and from that moment of crossing the paths will be forever one. even despite all the horror stories i have, i am still a hopeless romantic. if i end up being alone, living in a victorian house on telegraph hill, with a gazillion cats while i rock in my rocker, then so be it. sometimes ideals are much more important than realities...besides, i've been told on more than one occassion now - jenn, do not settle for anything less. i will remember these words always.
 

hey all, so i posted the images. sorry there are no accompanying captions this time. too much stuff going on right now and thinking about being in california in 2 days makes me antsy. there are a few pics of me...some of you complained that i never put pictures of me and only of stupid buildings all the time. lol. anyhow, i need to get some pictures of the rest of the group, since tall matt was my museum buddy for most of the trip i have a couple of us standing side by side....notice the careful placement of his hand in the polka dot room (ooh-la-la). and the other one of he and i i'm standing on the curb. lol - makes me smile cuz i remember height differentials from time to time with a certain someone. anyhow, i'm so thankful for mattymatt, asian matt, mikey mike,lydia, kelli, and sam for making this trip so much more bearable for me. there has been a lot of drama lately (it seems to go well with this season of my annual life cycle). anyhow, i just want to remember them all for being there and supporting me and making me laugh and staying awake in the car while i drove and playing cool music, and walking by my side just being there. it really makes everything so much more amiable when there are people to share in these moments. i love you guys! ok, i have to get drawings ready and things settled so i can figure out how to get all this stuff ready before 6am thursday...eesh i hate early morning flights! but on the brighter side, i'll be picked up on the other end by my oh so very wonderful brother and soon see my dearest mom and dad shortly afterwards. then the wedding awaits...it should be an interesting weekend.