the therapeutic website that gets us to take a second from our day to do something for ourselves in an attempt to heal the lack of compassion in this world.



although already from a few assignments ago, i'm determined to accomplish this one: assignment #32-draw a scene from a movie that made you cry.

thank you john&john for giving me my own personal piece of zen garden today. it is much needed:

so what exactly does a person do with a plane ticket to someplace that they are not wanted anymore?

the itunes playlist for the day says a lot about how i feel today--->
violent femmes :: heartache
the bens :: bruised
five for fighting :: infidel
radiohead :: sulk
cranberries :: you and me
trapt :: headstrong
eels :: wooden nickels
goo goo dolls :: black balloon
vertical horizon :: underwater
flaming lips :: sunship balloons
staind :: outside
switchfoot :: this is your life
cranberries :: what's on my mind
elliot smith :: between the bars
staind :: epiphany
eels :: it's a motherf*cker
dashboard confessional :: bend and not break

so not only did i just have the most horrific afternoon, but i got stood up too. you see, one of my most favouritest teachers in school was taking a cross/round-the-country road trip in the clockwise direction and he told me months ago that he was going to take me out to dinner once he got to dc. i've been soooo excited for the past couple months. anyhow, a few days ago an email arrived saying he was 3-4 days away, i was so giddy. then a postcard arrived in the mail on saturday from st. paul, minnesota. that's at least more than half-ways across the country. anticipation was killing me. well, let's just say it's a good thing he sent the postcard, cuz i got this email just minutes ago, and as though i wasn't bummed already, now i'm thoroughly bummed, the definition of which i'm not exactly sure, but i am. and can you believe that after all this time, he still forgets that may name is jen with an "n":

Jen,
Sorry, I (we) suck. our driving schedule got sort of messed up so we had to bypass Washington D.C. in favor of driving through the night in order to get to Florida in time. We're not going to be able to get together apparently. Right now we're in Florida and we have a week and a half to drive out to the Florida Keys and and then make our way back to California.
I can't believe I'm not going to see you. That was going to be the best part of this whole stupid road trip. I miss you so much. I didn't mind missing you so much when you were in Burlingame for Vaughn's graduation. I figured that you had family stuff to do so I didn't make it a high enough priority to see you.
Now that we're several states apart again, I feel so stupid. I really miss you and hate the idea of not getting to be with you. You are so wonderful and being with you is the best.
I think I need to reassess some things and make sure that if we're in the same state that I drop everything to make sure I get to be with you.
Sorry for the lack of planning. I will write to you again and continue to apologize and try and tell you how much I love you and miss you.

love you,
miss you,
OXOXO,
David

thanks, dk, you just made my bad day turn worse....now, for reals, no one loves me.

(sigh)

(double-sigh)

(pout)

(double-pout)

no one is even around to hear me pout and sigh so why do i bother...i'm going to bed.

i can't stop thinking how stupid i am...i wish i could explain, but this is not the place, nor the time for such drama.

am i the only one who has those moments in life where you just feel like such a f*cking idiot? well, today has been one of those days...more specifically this afternoon. i've felt sick to my stomach ever since and i just want to cry. it seems to happen regularly on a 3 year basis...well i guess my 3 year time limit is up today....and on a monday of all days...it came early this time, i was expecting it to happen next month...dear god. i just want to cry but of all days i'm stuck here working late at work. (tears welling up in her eyes as she types...)

discourage thieves and burglars alike from snatching your laptop with the ultimately clever PowerPizza from Human Beans:

a package freak himself, an excerpt from pastor batterson's blog:
"May 18, 2004Packaging
It's amazing what a difference a package makes. Does anybody really like altoids? But those tins sure are cool. I love stuff that comes in cool packages. I like my metal bible because it's different. It feels different. It looks different.
Fast Company recently devoted an issue to design. A.G. Lafley, the CEO of Procter & Gamble, was part of the team in 1984 that designed the 'all-in-one' cap. It measured, pretreated, and had that little self-draining device so it wasn't messy. Customers loved it. Lafley is right, 'Good design is serious business.'
I think incarnation is about re-packaging truth into containers that make sense to people. Jesus used agricultural metaphors because it made sense in an agrarian society. We use technological metaphors at NCC for the same reasons. We think in technological categories.
I think this is where so many churches drop the ball. We have the most attractive message, but our packaging lacks creativity and ingenuity. Frank Nuovo, Chief Designer and Vice President of Nokia, believed that cell phones were 'fashion technology' and 'personal accessories.' 'My mission was to change this little black blob with mini buttons into a colorful object of desire.' And a market was created.
Design is the great differentiat"

my guestbook just turned FOB.

i'm going to let the one-and-only famous aLiMAHjOUri introduce this one as he so beautifully did on my friendster place in spcae:

FINALLY THE NATIONAL BUILDING MUSEUM HAS AN
AWESOME EXHIBIT BY DESIGN-ORIENTED ARCHITECTS FOR
THE PROGRESS OF ARCHITECTURE. CHECK OUT "LIQUID
STONE" - EXHIBIT DESIGNED BY WILLIAMS + TSIEN
WITH "DOPE" GRAPHICS BY PURE+APPLIED. SEE MODELS
+ DRAWINGS FROM LE CORBUSIER - RONCHAMP!, LOUIS
KHAN, SANTIAGO CALATRAVA, STEVEN HOLL,
HARIRI&HARIRI (really cool Iranian female owned
firm in NYC - i'm totally biased), HERZOG & DE
MEURON, along with a sample of LiTraCon
(transparent CMU block, sugar!). Opening June
19th and lasting through January 23, 2005. Go
check it out - architecture is cooler than you.
it's about time!

get ready to:
[ l i q u i f y y o u r s e l f ! ]

So I’ve been tossing around the idea of what exactly I’m going to do with all my time off between July 16 and August 22…sigh…that sounds so nice---time off…vacation…oooh----aaahhh. Anyhow, I know I’m going to California for at least a portion of it…my third trip already this year (yeah!…but I don’t know if I want to go somewhere else also, or maybe just hang out here, or go home to my mom and relish in the blue skies for the entire month. Seattle, was an idea, complete with Vancouver and Mt. Rainer…and then there is Toronto where my dear “yo-boy” d.ko is. Or I can do something compeltely unlike me, and just buy a plane ticket to some far off country and go away by myself with no trace---I fear that though because I might like it too much and never come back.

I took my Materials & Methods test last weekend but don’t want to say how it went. I made sure I went to bed early and was more or less early to rise…headed out to get a 4-hour-coffee-study-session beforehand. I’ll just cross my fingers and then let you all know if I passed when it happens…if you never hear anything about it anymore, well…then I guess I didn’t pass.

There’s Florida, but I was hoping anything but East coast related.

Every minute at work is painful. I don’t know how I’m ever going to survive another 3 work-week, 2 and one-half business days.

On another note: pandamania is here! I think that “bearra cotta” is my favourite…I’m such a cheetos sometimes.

Upcoming events: visit to new york to see jeff’s girl and her amazing show! I googled her but only came up with this:


As you can see, my thoughts are all over the place today.

the ultimate juicebox.

ok...well i did feel prepared up until about an hour ago...but now i surely am confident that i am going to fail my architecture exam materials & methods test tomorrow. (remember to breathe in------and exhale).

sigh, well, what can you do? just go in and do what i gotta do, right? well, i'm off to sleep now, so i can get some rest and wake up early and drug myself with massive amounts of caffeine before my noontime test.

wish me luck!

i realized today suddenly that there are many things in this world that i want to see before i die:

madagascar for the monkeys & orchids
boston for the tea party
pyramids of egyt
temples of greece
city of paris
las vegas strip
seattle to see the chapel of st. ignatius
the leaning tower of pisa
the coloseum of rome
gondola & ponte vecchio of venice
the running of the bulls in spain
barcelona I hate to say it but gehry’s museum
macchu pichu in peru
the great wall of china
that great read plateau in australia

can you upload pdf's to blogger? i guess the answer is yes, you can!

no words need be written for this:

just a few more thoughts before i go to lay my head on my pillow for the nite...tonite will mark my last night in this state and towne for a little while. it's strange how one can feel like they are free and suffocating simultaneously. there is a certain comfort here that i have not found anywhere else, whether it be in family, or friends, or just merely knowing where certain things are. but at the same moment, there is an extreme melancholy and distance that accompanies the familiarity. memories of times long ago rush back, and it is hard for me to go places without thinking of them. i have not been here long enough to make new memories to blanket the old. i fear the day that i no longer will remember them and yet i wish they would always be branded upon me as a scar. people make such an impact on our lives, and in trueness, that really is all that we are to one another, the connections and small encounters that each of us has with other human beings. whether the time we brush shoulders is brief, over coffee or a small hello in passing, or numerous evenings in a row for years and years, the time is never too short or too long---it is what it is, and for this it should be appreciated.

although i spent a lot of my time working with my dad this trip, i am grateful for discipline and reminder of hard work. perhaps the exposure to sunlite did my brain cells some good, you know not getting enough oxygen and all. i am thankful for the reminder that my family is a constant in this scene of ever-changing characters. i long for consistency...and yet it is good that i remain to understand and know that the only consistency is found in the One who loves us more than any man's comprehension. this is the only constant, and the only sure hand that i have to hold on to or hold me in return.

i am anxious to get back. fearful to the impeding decisions i must make. i can only hope that i can allow my heart to open wide enough that my path will be made straight and the guiding hand can lead my blind self.

i fear thoughts of being used to the fullest but know that fear is from somewhere dark.

i am ready to go back to where the land is grey...no one seems to appreciate the colour of things around here. or maybe i have just been without colour for so long that i have forgotten. i hope never to forget again. colour and the close proximity of water, a sign of renewal and rejuvination.

whatever it is, this place hydrates me.

one more thought to remember, what defines adulthood? i read somewhere once that an adult is "a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle." i do not know how responsibility and the acquisition of things, and even perhaps intangible things such as trust or love come into play with this, but maybe it is the most realistic deifinition i have yet to encounter. somehow i am still compelled to believe that wisdom and a certain knowingness is related, yet i cannot pinpoint a definition that satisfies my need to understand.

another word for the evening to ponder over---

re·gret:
To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.
To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn.
A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

regrets-A courteous expression of regret, especially at having to decline an invitation.

Middle English regretten, to lament, from Old French regreter : re-, re- + -greter, to weep

Synonyms: regret, sorrow, grief, anguish, woe, heartache, heartbreak
These nouns denote mental distress. Regret has the broadest range, from mere disappointment to a painful sense of dissatisfaction or self-reproach, as over something lost or done: She looked back with regret on the pain she had caused her family. Sorrow connotes sadness caused by misfortune, affliction, or loss; it can also imply contrition: “sorrow for his... children, who needed his protection, and whom he could not protect” (James Baldwin). Grief is deep, acute personal sorrow, as that arising from irreplaceable loss: “Grief fills the room up of my absent child,/Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me” (Shakespeare). Anguish implies agonizing, excruciating mental pain: “I pray that our heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement” (Abraham Lincoln). Woe is intense, often prolonged wretchedness or misery: “the deep, unutterable woe/Which none save exiles feel” (W.E. Aytoun). Heartache most often applies to sustained private sorrow: The child's difficulties are a source of heartache to the parents. Heartbreak is overwhelming grief: “Better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak” (Shakespeare).

is it possible to describe a car to be obtuse?

ob·tuse:
Lacking quickness of perception or intellect.
Characterized by a lack of intelligence or sensitivity: an obtuse remark.
Not distinctly felt: an obtuse pain.

Not sharp, pointed, or acute in form; blunt.
Having an obtuse angle: an obtuse triangle.
Botany. Having a blunt or rounded tip: an obtuse leaf.

brudder's graduation...sigh. doesn't he just look so happy? k, let me narrate picture by picture. (1)boy,oh boy, am i glad that's over. (2) time now to do my happy dance! woo hoo! (3) jenn, this is sooo cool! hey everyone look at me! (4) a big uh-oh, as stress sets in, thoughts of what is to come and the uncertainty of everything that has seemed real and tangible up until this point. (5) at least i have my ever-so-wonderful-and-understanding sister...why does she always make me take these stupid pictures with her? (6) who's your daddy? (7) heh heh...heh heh---she got laid, er, i mean lei-ed. (8) no more pictures!!! just let us go have our fun cuz this is the last night me and my girl will be in high school forever more...

"The first thing God requires of us is not faith. It is not love. It is not correct doctrine or theology. It is honesty. Unless we can be honest with ourselves and then with him we are deceived."

some unknown soul posted this in my guestbook and i wonder who it could be...i wonder and ponder if perhaps my words on screen have deceived you and perhaps misled your perception of me. i suppose after careful review, i do not post the things which truly i carry in my heart and the things which i hold true and important. there was atime when i wrote in my journal to express only happiness...it seems now, i post things of despair and confusion, and i apologize for this misconstrued charade.

i am perhaps, now looking over my pages with scrutiny, wondering if the title of my place in space is misleading. perhaps the real quote that should be under purpose should read just as it does in Proverbs 3:5,6,7 (the real piece of my heart that i hold as daily motivation)-->Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil.

it is my fear of "meandering the straight line" and my fear of becoming so lost in myself that my path is not straight enough for God to find His way to me, nor i to him. john cried out in the wilderness, quoting isaiah even to "prepare a way for the Lord, make his paths straight." my calling and purpose then is a summons to both intellectual clarity and moral reformation. i remember clearly hearing somewhere that: intellectual twisting causes moral twistedness. in other words, my thinking needs to be straight in order that my life may be allowed to straighten out.

the return to straight thinking can only occur when I return to loving one another...another word that i have grown to envy and cherish---compassion. mutual love will clear our minds to see what is best for ourselves and for others, and prepare us for the judgment day. “My prayer is that that your love for each other may increase more and more and never stop improving your knowledge and deepening your perception so that you can always tell the difference between right and wrong and recognize the best. This will help you to become pure and blameless, and prepare you for the day of Christ, when you will reach the perfect goodness which Jesus Christ produces in us for the glory and praise of God.” philippians 1:9-11

i guess the real questions i ask myself daily, at least try to force myself to ask daily are: "will i listen to john and prepare the way of the Lord into my life by clear thinking and honest response? or perhaps i do not want the Lord to find the way to my life, perhaps i would rather not be disturbed? whatever my choice of the day is, i am reminded that the day of the Lord will come upon me suddenly and unprepared, like a thief in the night, and then what will i say then? for at that moment in time there will be no other option than to think straight, and no longer will there be the possibility of hiding in self-deception?

i ask my anonymous person, whether they wrote such a message to me out of concern and love, or out of judgement and an uncertain knowledge of my true day-to-day. i do not know if this blog is a correct depiction of my everyday happenings and for that i am sorry. as i wrote before, there are many things which i do not reveal here. i wonder if you know me, or perhaps are just a stranger who has stumbled upon my page. or perhaps you are even a stranger who knows me...sigh. i am troubled by the perhaps false depiction of myself that i have portrayed upon this webpage, false because the whole story of my life is not revealed. i am perplexed for neither do i know how to correct and right this problem. stranger, will you reveal yourself to me if i again make my paths straight as i have tried in this post?

blasted blogger...or rather it might be the dialup connection. i wrote this super long completely thoughtful post today and went to press "submit" and then in one quick vamoose...it was gone. i nearly cried. sigh. i'll try again later, but i'm not promising anything as wonderful.

i've been in california now for 10 days and nites, the longest i have been in quite some time now. what would a trip be without a visit to one of my most favourite places still? i think the air clears my heart and mind. i can feel the air cleaning me, and i am reminded of the continuous Love that continues to reach out and return daily, every hour, every minute, and every second of the day. the water is shrill as it always is, and i experienced the sudden coldness on my legs as i did on my very first visit to this place.

it is moments like this that i miss.