little miss sunshine
So, for the first time in a long while, we are out and about. A saturday afternoon laptop date at the coffeeshop just down the street from our house. It feels wonderful to sit in a room outside of my cubicle and apartment. I have been a little grey and down these past days because I have missed the exploring, the being out, the people watching. I often wonder why I haven't made this more of a nightly habit like I so used to enjoy. This morning I was reminded of some of my first days in Montreal. I was alone in that city and for some reason it seemed much easier to roam about as I pleased. It seems meeting people was easier and general happiness was a nonchalant thing that just happened. I have been thinking a lot lately if things have changed so much because of one of/combination of the following:
-the change of place (since August we've been living in Brooklyn)
-I'm back in a nine to five working job (working in midtown Manhattan since September)
-I am no longer alone (he moved in May to me & has yet to be tired of me...amazing)
-I am removed from my close friends (moving has taken care of most of this but there have also been a couple severed limbs)
-it is winter and it is cold (self-explanatory for those who suffer from seasonal adjustment disorder)
-somehow I missed my Autumn yearly rejuvenation/self-reflection (between moving/working, one weekend I woke up and all the leaves were gone in Central Park)
As much as I am grateful and happy for a secure job/a wonderful boyfriend/a BIGger than closet place to live, I miss the insecurities of the life which somehow inspired my creativity. TI ofhe fact it is now winter, has a debilitating force upon me. The cold keeps me shaking and shivering, my arms wrapped around myself that I lack the desire to embrace new places/new things. It seems it is all a viscious circle that I must be shaken out of. Today I am trying to shake out of it and get back into the me that I love.
I've been reading Henry Miller's trilogy, The Rosy Crucifixion. I finally finished book one "Sexus" and now I'm onto "Plexus". It speaks of Henry's days in New York, living in Brooklyn, walking in the Lower East side...riding the trains to a deserted winter Coney Island (this has been on my to-do list for weeks now). Somehow I find a comfort and connectivity in the places where I walk, I see the streets thru a different lens and realize that the same Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods I see haven't changed too much in the last 60 years. I've been horrible about reading ever since my departure from Montreal. Julien has started reading a book a week (52 for the year) and I should thank him for making me feel like a slacker.
Other failed projects that are sitting untouched *pulls out her special new "list sketchbook" (a place for only lists i.e. to do, movies to watch, projects to tackle, music to buy, people to write, blog titles to scribe about, etc):
-work on my website www.linesthatwalk.com, it's just been sitting waiting ever-so-patient for some love and attention
-build my Flash interactive life travel map (a way to share my personal timeline of where I've been and what I've seen)
-sketch/collage a day (ugh...how come I've stopped doing all the things which make me happy inside?)
-study/take more Architecural Registration Exams (a step forward to liberate oneself from "the man"---who is that guy anyhow?)
-make more postcard book sets (I made special postcard sets for xmas...one for Er.c's sister and one for my mom of my 30cities.365days Flickr sets...it felt awesome when I received one of MY postcards from his sister...i want to feel special again.)
-fix my desktop computer---oof...i think it has a case of the blue screen of death.
-submit pictures to the Brooklyn Artist's Gym upcoming show on "Reflection" (uh-oh...january 26th deadline came and went---DOH!)
-build a flatfile for all my drawings that have yet to find a place in our apartment
-build a cardboard staircase for my new kittie, Azriel, so she can get to & fro our loft bed with ease.
-make moo.com cards for any occasion
-write/send all our xmas books to both our relatives with thanks you (ugh....soooooo late! it's nearly february!)
-revisit the thought of artivistic in montreal (deadline is february 15th!!!)
-setup a good Autocad template .dag/.ctb file for future personal projects/work endeavors
-paint our kitchen (more strip removal)
-paint the bathroom with a single stripe
-build a low-standing closet
-entertain thoughts of exercise/yoga
So there...I've purged the major things on the to-accomplish list. Now onto the "what-have-we-done" to redeem myself and my conscience just a little. Eric and I went to California for one week. The trip was short and exhausting, but comforting and comfortable (it seems those would be the same thing, but if you think upon it, they are two very different feelings). We started our adventure subwaying to the JFK airtrain (my first time ever to fly out of New York). For just a moment, I saw the Saarinen wonder, the TWA terminal jewel that has circular penny-sized tiles on the floor/walls (or so I'm told, since it is closed to the public for renovation/restoration). It was so much smaller than I had imagined. It is strange to think how ideas are so grand within the small confines of our brain, and the realities of those ideas in actual space is so minute in comparison. Anyhow, my heart did a tiny little flip as it always does when posed before a wonderful piece of architecture. The trip started in southern California with Eric's mom, sister Amy, + sister Amy's boyfriend, JP. We entertained on Christmas eve a party of mother's friends...the tables were spread with cookies/sweets/cheeses/crackers galore...and introductions of JP and I, plus updates on the moving to New York had me exhausted by nights end. The day after xmas, all of us drove midway up California to a small beach-town for more visiting/family time with Er.c & Amy's dad+stepmom's. More introductions to uncle's and aunts, grandmother/grandfather, more talk of new york living, more, more more...
I was so relieved for the 1/2 hour that I finally got to spend on the beach (windy as all heck as it was, and I spend most of that time running down the beach after my hat). The wind and ocean air somehow cleansed me for that moment. I miss the days when I could go drive to "my beach"...it is one of the few places where I have ever been able to just be. To think of nothing. To be reminded that there are things bigger than me.
For some reason, the East River just doesn't cut it.
The point of all this is that by the time we arrived at my parents' house in the Bay Area, we were without any energy whatsoever. Eric and I passed out on the couch, and 3 hours later woke up realizing how badly we had needed that nap. Whenever visiting family is involved, multiple families now as it seems is my fate, it can never be called "vacation". Never in my life have I felt more like needing a vacation from my vacation when we returned to New York on New Year's day. It doesn't help that I've been so sick lately. I've had a major head cold/food poisoning/and another congestion cold all within a period of the last month. Once again, the drastic changes in weather have not been helping this matter, although I did relish in that one 75 degree January in New York day....*ahhh...remembering what it felt like to be wearing a t-shirt in the winter*
Time is winding down for the moment...a friend has asked us to her house tonight for dinner, and before we are all going to the Met to make something of our weekend. Weekends/weekdays seem to fill up so easily here that it is harder and harder to find alone/quiet time to wind down. I am so happy for this little moment of "solitude" he and I are sharing in at this present moment. (He is sitting across from blogging/catching up/doing the same as I). Of all the things I hope to accomplish, can we try to make more of an effort to do THIS again? My heart is happy right now and I miss that.