skimming thru

just taking a break here in my drawing...and i was skimming thru my sketchbook. something i want to record for my own personal self...(pause) it is moments and entries like this that make me consider censorship...but then i wouldn't be true to myself, true to my own writing and my own life record...anyhow...a week ago i think now---

"it's been a long while since i've actually handwritten words from my heart onto a piece of paper...i have a graveyard of old journals with my scribbles...now there is just the machine that takes my fingers pushing them...the keyboard doesn't record the teardrops like the piece of paper once could...i felt so compelled last night to write again by hand as i lay in the comfort and warmth of my bed...embraced by my pillows on all sides, but here it is the next day and still the desire to write is in my hand.

i hibernated for the most part of today...lounging in the attire i went to sleep in last night, hair ruffled and tousled from the waking up. when i have a lot on my mind, a lot on my heart, a lot to accomplish, a lot to fulfill, a lot to desire---i clean, i organize, i putter, i take time and make it stand still...it may seem odd but have a thing i do in these overwhelming moments...there is an old fashioned alarm clock - complete with bells at the top - that my mother gave to me from our family trip to germany long ago...anyhow, as i was saying earlier, during moments of overwhelming, i release the switch on the back causing the hands to stand still...i guess this is my way of trying to slow things down...

anyhow, hibernating in the quietude of my room where time was standing still in this 12x12 square, a knock, knock, knock on the door came. the following was an awkward conversation between strangers, & really strangers in every sense that word can possess...it would have been simpler to meet and speak with a person whose face i really had never seen before in my entire life.

the question is - how could i, a person whose heart i beleve is filled with genuine compassion and care, have been driven to such an extreme so as to never desire/want/talk/know this stranger any longer...how can there just be absolutely no feeling (neither hate nor love)...such apathy astounds me...to what extremes have i been pushed and i have had to tolerate..."