the brief bicycle ride home the last two evenings has been just the relief and clearing of my mind that was much needed. i just came from watching "cinema paradiso" and now i am filled with the sense of bittersweetness. after the credits rolled, i quietly got up from my seat, not wanting to speak or see anyone. i put on my sweater and vest, grabbed my bag and walked a block with my bike before getting on it. there are many questions that arise within my heart because of this movie, too many to list here at this moment in time, or perhaps i am afraid to write them because seeing them in written word means an actual answer might be necessary...

i had a pin-up today, maybe this is the reason for my pensiveness and edginess as well. my entire being feels drained today, not sure if it is the lack of sufficient sleep or something else...sigh...

i feel the need to distance myself lately...not for fear of others, but rather for fear of forgetting what i am here to do. i haven't been able quite to focus my energies these last couple of weeks. in some respects, i am feeling a bit abused in my friendships with others, and this hurts me deeply...tonight i retreat to my pillows and continue to read about the human sense.