[ muse Lyrics ]: Ruled By Secrecy
Repress and restrain,
Steal the pressure and the pain
Wash the blood of your hands
This time she won't understand
Change in the air
And they'll hide everywhere
And no one knows who's in control
You're working so hard
And you're never in charge
Your death creates success
Rebuild and supress
Change in the air
And they'll hide everywhere
And no one knows who's in control
Change in the air
And they'll hide everywhere
And no one knows who's in control

i took this picture on a bus ride coming back from new york...the blurred image swipes me back to when i used to commute to san francisco for work via train. i enjoyed the train ride so much...it was a mental escape, an almost stopping of time, for me, but the question i would always ask and could never answer was, "am i passing life by, or is life passing me by as time continues on this train ride?"


no soundtrack for the day, but i have been listening to muse's "apocalypse" album over and over for the last few hours now. i guess it encompasses my melancholic mood this evening. i wasn't in such a purple-ness until darkness fell, and then in my own attempt to cheer up another, i said a few things that made me begin a whole slew of personal self-reflection...

...and so, here i sit, not really thinking about anything in particular, fighting the urge to read through past handwritten journals of mine, and staring at my oh-so-cool-"mark the days that sucked" calendar wondering if this is beginning to qualify.

i often wonder just how much (in specific quantity) careful thought and consciousness should be paid to in our actions. the great conflict exists within me to strive towards being (fill in the blank with something equivalent to "the ideal jenn") --- yet my daily actions of living always fall short of my own personal goals. this falling short does not necessarily have anything to do with school or career oriented goals, nothing worldy of this sort. but rather a more vague striving towards a personality/character that i myself cannot describe fully with proper words.

(moments lost in being enveloped with the music and lyrics...)

anyhow...maybe i just crave sleep and warmth, someone to play with my hair, tell me everything will be better tomorrow, and blow my candles out when i have finally fallen asleep...and then i realize, i cannot close my eyes till i myself extinguish the flame with the sigh of an exhausted mind.