i'm one of those boxes, i am, i am!

songs that keep repeating on the playlist today for no particular reason other than i like 'em & it's been a productive day...

note to self, when i need to get things done, play the following:
get in the car, hail social
contratempo, lali puna
life turned upside down, badly drwan boy
the love that i crave, the blow
smell memory, mum
f*ck this sh*t, belle & sebastian
black turtleneck, solvent
soul meets body, death cab for cutie
advisory committee, mirah
eyes, rogue wave
where i love you, the blow
ageless beauty, stars
take me out, franz ferdinand
intertiatic esp, the mars volta
no cities left, the dears
aptitude, novillero
imaginary ordinary, architecture in helsinki
i love you (la la la), do make say think
argument, fugazi
rippin kittin, miss kittin
hate to say i told you so, the hives
he lay in the reins, calexicao/iron&wine
dare, gorillaz
une annee sans lumiere, the arcade fire
rae, autechre
je ne t'aime plus, manu chao
retour a vega, the stills
the observer, the flaming lips
this is not a love song, nouvelle vague
rocket ride, felix da housecat
dirty trip, air
impossible, les acrobates
pannonica, thelonius monk
man i used to be, k-os
killing all the flies, mogwai
publish my love, rogue wave
drunken tune, cinematic orchestra
a dreamy day of dreaming of you, of montreal
faking the books, lali puna
the step, !!!

he gave me something beautiful to smile about today...

Geological Investigation of the Alluvial Valley of the Lower Mississippi River,
originally uploaded by Pruned.

i was saving this post to revise/add more to the list...but i wanted to share the commercial and i am oh-so-very-tired...so here it is unfinished

i saw this commercial last night for the very first time and it made me smile so big, and my heart melt so soft. sometimes, coincidences are just too great. my fascination with kaleidoscopes and favourite songs all together into one...*sigh*...i couldn't help but become overwhelmed with this great sense of missing. mind over matter, as one of my closest friends says. it seems that mind over matter might very well be the only thing that is going to keep me going these next couple of months. i just want to sleep and sleep. motivation is a little hard to come by recently. with each day that passes, i feel much more encouraged to be back in the real world and out of this fairy tale world of school that is now trying to trap me forever. i feel more and more ready for real life to come and sweep me away.

i look back to where i was two years ago (before starting grad school) and i see a very different person. i had no real concept or idea whatsoever that i would:

still be in grad school (almost 2 years later)
live in montreal for almost 6 months
finally do the europe trip i had planned years ago (tho by myself which wasn't planned)
get friends that are girls, really really good girls
officially fall in love for the second time in my life
actually turn 28
realize and accept that every interaction leaves traces (that's it, nothing more, nothing less)
be happy...genuinely happy
become confident in me

perfect for today...thesis aftermath sets in

Washington Capitol,
originally uploaded by epmd.

near-sighted

"What I cannot love, I overlook. Is that real friendship?" -Anais Nin

daddy took his meds last night.

thank you for yelling at me last night...i needed that.
i love you.

oh! oh! oh!

last year we were in guernica,
originally uploaded by prettyjjbean.

happy song for the day is felix da housecat's "rocket ride"!
dance party in studio today! draw! draw! dance! dance!

mr.bill-the-most-awesome-step-brudder-of-a-boss-evah-eva-!

ok, aside from just being super-duper-kewl, and having awesome musik on his myspace page, he sends me reminders like this:

BALLET MECHANIQUE

George Antheil's (the self proclaimed "bad boy of music"- teeheehee!) 1925 masterwork, BALLET MECHANIQUE, which was never heard in its original version (for 10 percussionists, two pianists, three airplane propellers, electric bells, siren, and 16 player pianos) until 75 years after its composition, will be presented on the mezzanine of the National Gallery of Art's East Wing every day for over two weeks, starting on March 12. Performing it will be 16 computer-controlled player grand pianos and an orchestra played entirely by robots. This means it will be the fastest, most maniacal, and--thanks to the cavernous acoustics of the giant building--the loudest Ballet mécanique ever performed.

In conjunction with a huge exhibit on Dadaist art, which runs from now through May, the Music department of the National Gallery has commissioned a Ballet mécanique installation, which will be on display and performing from March 12 through March 29. The all-mechanical orchestra will be located on the mezzanine, next to the entrance to the Dada exhibit hall. At 1:00 pm (every day) and 4:00 pm (weekdays only), the orchestra will roar into action and play a 10-minute version of the piece.

In addition, the film Ballet mécanique by Fernand Léger and Dudley Murphy will be shown (without sound) continuously as part of the Dada exhibit.

Please come and experience the latest 21st-century incarnation of this long-forgotten 20-century masterpiece. For more information on the Ballet mécanique, visit http://antheil.org. To see the work of LEMUR, visit http://lemurbots.org. And for the National Gallery, visit http://www.nga.gov.

lullaby & good-nite, sing me to sleep

When you’re away
And I’m asleep
Be the one I know
Next to me
When you’re alone
And I am gone
Believe in the things
that are here to come
Everywhere and allover
On top and under my skin
I felt something like infinity
With you near by

"Everywhere & Allover" by Lali Puna

time to hang up my stripes...

the new arrival from the library for me - "art & artifact: the museum as medium",
originally uploaded by prettyjjbean.

a very productive day indeed:


- 2 drawings accomplished (not fully finished, but substantially enough to keep me rolling for the next 4) still need to find materials to use, make an ikea run for the photo frames to be used in my "great wall of minute proportion" + take the appropriate photos, and a home depot run is in the works too (keep your eyes open for purple electrical tape)...
- a good morning chat with my liz
- had an even earlier, or late-late-night chat with him that made me smile all day
- reminiscing old memories and sharing hopes for my b.g.
- sipped my coffee and watched a movie
- catching up time with mom & dad
- checking up on brother session
- paperwork for degree application + figuring out the just-in-case-i-don't-graduate-in-may-&-have-to-defend-in-august details/potential costs, even talked it out with dad-doo
- secret preparations finally completed and ready to be mailed tomorrow
- morning spring-like walks in the sun with the birds chirping above me
- another successful day of not eating out (it's been nearly two weeks now! well, with the exception of one chipotle...oops)
- paid bills, thanks to a little birdie reminding me
- happiness was today...i was more carefree than i have been for quite some time, a great accomplishment. i give some, if not most, credit to the striped tights and shoes...if my mother could only see me, i have sinking feeling i would be hearing, "you look just like when you were 5...only instead of pink and purple, you've grown up into orange and yellow!" *little girl smile*
- night time reading awaits me ..."the little house: an architectural seduction"...perfect for goodnite dreaming *wink*

i told you today was gonna be a good day!

she said, he said

beanie-bean & her stripes,
originally uploaded by prettyjjbean.

conversations from yesterday:

she said, "yeah, beer, booze and weed...plus movies. mmmmm....."

he said, "alcohol is my medicine."

today is going to be a good day...i can feel it. it's noon already and i barely just woke up. but i am energetic (perhaps from our conversation last night??) and ready for my "morning" coffee. i hear birds outside and the recycle truck going by. for the first time in a long time now, i feel complete and as if i have my whole mind back...thus the stripe wearing for today! woo-hoo!

sweet love notes in my inbox

it's love that makes the world go 'round & 'round,
originally uploaded by prettyjjbean.

yep, your last email was in my Spam folder, not sure why, I guess as I said yesterday because of the a** word:) so...thank you also for calling me and updating me on the charger status that is very sweet of you:)

I was listening 5 min. ago to Dave Matthews "Crash" and I realized that I got that CD with this song when I started working at Shinberg. Levinas about 2-1/2 years ago and I was thinking...WOW...it's been already more than 2-1/2 years since I know Jenn:)....I never would have guessed that this relationship will continue like this. In fact I remember when Milton first talked about you that "one of his workers lives in Alexandria and I might ask you for a commuting advice" since I lived in Alexandria at that point too:) I imagined you to be big:) with glasses (still ) extremely grown up looking, married with kid's and in constant rush. But then I met you and you were nothing like what I had made you up to be. In walked this tiny little person hiding behind square glasses, who was very grounded, had cute sweaters and skirts and introduced me to my very first Chipotle experiences, and that has pretty much been true for things that followed...Jenn showing me many first things in my life:)....

Actually if I think of our relationship in terms of a road traveled you are for me like a light pole by the side of the road. Without one it is very hard to see in the dark and stay safe on the chosen course. You have illuminated my way in DC for the past 2-1/2 years...(making sure I don't run off the road in the dark) shining sometimes brighter, sometimes dimmer, illuminating the hot spots to entertain, showing the wisdom that I needed at difficult times and receding when I needed to do my own thinking, but always constantly being there. So that's what I was thinking about today and just thought I'd share with you since it feels like a mile stone is approaching - you soon graduating and who knows in what direction our roads will turn. I hope both of our continued paths will be good and gratifying.

Thank you for your friendship for these past 2-1/2 years:) Love, BG

sunsets over the lietzensee in berlin

sunsets over the lietzensee in berlin,
originally uploaded by prettyjjbean.

i've been counting the days. 47. forty-seven is a long time to be counting days. to discover the number of what-if's and why-me's that occur in that time period one must mutiply the number of days counted x a factor of one thousand. so let's see...47 days counted x 1000 = 47,000 what-if's & why-me's. 47,000. even now, that number seems miniscule in comparison to the clutter and noise that has been filling my head.

*sigh*

but the relief from such pains and worry is finally over. perhaps now i can proceed forward again with a clear mind, now that i can finally stop counting. how torturous this waiting can be. like a stand-off between me and the calender. i stare at it, asking the why's, how's, where's, when's, probing mr. calender for an answer. in return, all i get is a blank stare, days shown as an empty box.

those days on the calender which have already past, now are like boxes which seem to have opened up and spilled their contents all over the street...like a garbage truck whose bed has rusted thru and a trail of trash lingers for moments before the wind can sweep it away. the past contains work, sweat, toil, sacrifice, determination...i have filled up those days past with all these words.

the future dates on the calender, once were boxes waiting to be filled. with plans and dreams, hope and possibility, love and sincerity, with whatever it was that i chose for myself. once the counting of days began, suddenly the future was filled to the brim. but there was no room in this new calender for hopes and dreams, no room for plans. but rather a much different kind of toil and sacrifice than i previously filled the calender with.

anyhow.

the days of counting are over. 47. forty-seven days of long-awaited torture. the what-if's and why-me's have finally subsided. the horrible thoughts of what i am possibly capable of are gone. there were even voices from the past that lingered in my ear, whispering taboo words and making the battle within myself even greater. but now, it is finished. the calender can return to normal, where the past is filled and the future is empty.

hopes and dreams can once again abound.

"but when i was a alone i could be afraid. why should i pretend that those nights had never been, when in fear of death i sat up, clinging to the fact that sitting at least was still something alive: that the dead did not sit. this always happened in one of those chance rooms which promptly left me in the lurch when things went badly with me, as if they feared to be cross-examined and become involved in my troubles. there i sat, probably looking so dreadful that nothin had the courage to stand by me; not even the candle, which i had just done the service of lighting it, would have anything to do with me. it burned away there by itsellf, as in an empty room. my last hope then was always the window. i imagined that outside there, there still might be something that belonged to me, even now, even in this sudden poverty of dying. but scarcely had i looked thither when i wished the window had been barricaded, blocked up, like the wall. for now i knew that things were going on out there in the same indifferent way, that out there, too, there was nothing but my loneliness. the loneliness i had brought upon myself and to the greatness of which my heart no longer stood in any sort of proportion. people came to my mind whom i had once left, and i did not understand how one could forsake people. my God, my God, if any such nights await me in the future, leave me at least one of those thoughts that i have sometimes been able to pursue! it is not unreasonable, this that i ask; for i know that they were born of my very fear, because my fear was so great. when i was a boy, they struck me in the face and told me i was a coward. that was because i was still bad at being afraid. since then, however, i have learned to be afraid with real fear, fear that increases only when the force that engenders it increases. we have no idea of this force, except in our fear. for it is so untterly inconceivable, so totally opposed to us, that our brain disintegrates at the point where we strain ourselves to think it. and yet, for some time now i have believed that it is our own force, all our own force that is still too great for us. it is true we do not know it; but is it not just that which is most our own of which we know the least? sometimes i reflect on how heaven came to be and death: though our having distanced what is most precious to us, because there was still so much else to do beforehand and because it was not secure with us busy people. now times have elapsed over this, and we have become accustomed to lesser things. we no longer recognize that which is our own and are terrified byt its extreme greatness. may that not be?" -rainer maria rilke, "the notebooks of malte laurids brigge"

on hiatus

"Do you hear the snow against the windowpanes, Kitty? How nice and soft it sounds! Just as if some one was kissing the window all over outside, I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says, "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.' And when they wake up in the summer, Kitty, they dress themselves all in green, and dance about -- whenever the wind blows -- oh, that's very pretty!" cried Alice, dropping the ball of worsted to clap her hands. "And I do so wish it was true! I'm sure the woods look sleepy in the autumn, when the leaves are getting brown.

"Now, if you'll only attend, Kitty, and not talk so much, I'll tell you all my ideas about Looking-glass House. First, there's the room you can see through the glass -- that's just the same as our drawing-room, only the things go the other way. I can see all of it when I get upon a chair -- all but the bit just behind the fireplace. Oh! I do so wish I could see that bit! I want so much to know whether they've a fire in the winter: you never can tell, you' know, unless our fire smokes, and then smoke comes up in that room too -- but that may be only pretence, just to make it look as if they had a fire. Well then, the books are something like our books, only the words go the wrong way; I know that, because I've held up one of our books to the glass, and then they hold up one in the other room.

"How would you like to live in Looking-glass House, Kitty? I wonder if they'd give you milk, there? Perhaps Looking-glass milk isn't good to drink -- but oh, Kitty! now we come to the passage. You can just see a little peep of the passage in Looking-glass House, if you leave the door of our passage as far as you can see, only you know it may be quite different on beyond. Oh, Kitty! how nice it would be if we could only get through into Looking-glass House! I'm sure it's got, oh! such beautiful things in it! Let's pretend there's a way of getting through into it somehow, Kitty. Let's pretend the glass has got soft like gauze, so that we can get through. Why, it's turning into a sort of mist now, I declare! It'll be easy enough to get through -- -" She was up on the chimney-piece while she said this, though she hardly knew how she had got there. And certainly the glass was beginning to melt away, just like a bright silvery mist.

In another moment Alice was through the glass, and had jumped lightly down into the Looking-glass room. The very first thing she did was to look whether there was a fire in the fireplace, and she was quite pleased to find that there was a real one and lazing away as brightly as the one she had left behind. "So I shall be as warm here as I was in the old room," thought Alice: "warmer, in fact, because there'll be no one here to scold me away from the fire. Oh, what fun it'll be, when they see me through the glass in here, and can't get at me!"

Then she began looking about, and noticed that what could be seen from the old room was quite common and uninteresting, but that all the rest was as different as possible. For instance, the pictures on the wall next the fire seemed to be all alive, and the very clock on the chimney-piece (you know you can only see the back of it in the Looking-glass) had got the face of a little old man, and grinned at her.

-Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There"

must remember to go to this

Construcciones: Digital Photographic Prints by Pepe Coronado
Second Light: An Installation by Glenn Shrum
Inklight: Works from MICA Printmaking & Environmental Design students
Dates: March 14 - April 28
Reception: March 23 from 6:30 - 8:30 pm
Gallery Talk: March 23 at 7:00 pm
Location: Pyramid Atlantic Art Center
8230 Georgia Avenue, Silver Spring, MD 20910

stress as defined by dictionary.com>> > >

Main Entry: ¹stress

Pronunciation: 'stres
Function: noun

1 a : a force exerted when one body or body part presses on, pulls on, pushes against, or tends to compress or twist another body or body part; especially : the intensity of this mutual force commonly expressed in pounds per square inch b : the deformation caused in a body by such a force
2 a : a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation b : a state of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium
3 : the force exerted between teeth of the upper and lower jaws during mastication

note to self: there is no hint or clue as to a solution or cure to this problem...must find solution...quickly...

the need to buy list...

-purple electrical tape (for kaleidoscope books)
-green electrical tape (to finish the tape drawing...who would've thought the mall was 1.1 miles too long)
-one sheet plexiglass 12"x24" (to replace the one aatif says he'll replace but probably won't)
-one new moleskine sketchbook (almost time to retire this one and put it out of its misery)
-fresnel lens (one or more??? think about it.)
-mirrors (size? shape? how many? too many unknowns)
-peepholes (ebay bidding war has commenced)
-paper (my special secret stock of watercolour off-yellow paper, which was free last year, is all gone this year...thanks to SOMEONE else spilling my secret to the entire world!...)
-chipboard...(future planning that i will need it anyhow)
-one workforce willing to do slave labor for free and can magically draw beautifully...oh wait...you can't buy these off the shelf...guess it's up to me then...crap.

when on the brink of losing sanity and sleep...

repeat three times fast after me: "you too me too we too too toos!"

ready...set...go!!!!

you too me too we too too toos!
you too me too we too too toos!
you too me too we too too toos!

[my tribute to liz, my darling clementine forevermore]

listening to "ratatat" by ratatat

breathe in, breathe out. how many times must i remind myself of this the last days. i have a tendency not to write when i have too much on my mind, or too much going on around me. it seems the days that i am over-abundantly happy, writing comes easy and without effort. i feel that it is becoming more and more necessary for me to purge the anxiety inside of me in order for me to maintain sanity.

i was showered yesterday with wonderful gifts of joy and stripes! striped ribbons, striped stockings, orange colours and promises of poutine, listening alberto amusements and new york notes of black and white. sigh...and another reminder of that old saying, "birds of the same feather, flock together..." this all puts a smile on my tired self.

i haven't been working as hard as i would like. i seem to be hitting one of those major stumbling blocks that might as well be as big as the hoover dam for all i know. i need to build a site model to a scale in which i can work...need to go to the actual site tomorrow morning so i can feel the scale...i am struggling with this. sigh...i've never had to deal with a site of monumental proportion. for some reason, i feel my intervention is of such minute insignificance when i place it on the whole...

i've been questioned about the transporatability and questioned how much i want to deal with the engineering mechanics of the project. ugh.

frustrating...things seem to be progressing much slower than i thought they would 3 months, even 1 month ago. i've even officially given up my weekends out.

*pout*

maybe i'm just in a bad mood because the sun disappeared again today. yesterday was amazing and i relished the sun on my face during the walk to school. today the sun hid behind it's blanket of grey. i too felt like crawling back behind that blanket...at least i would have the sun next to me to keep me warm.

belated wishes from fei...thank u!