here is my disclaimer before anyone reads this: this entry is not aimed at any one person or thing...nor is it in any way asking for any form of sympathy and encouragement. i have made myself a promise not to censor any thing that i write nor choose to write from this personal, yet public, space. however, there are many different situations that occur throughout the day that affect our thinking...and for me these thoughts are things to be recorded. this is a necessity for me...a need to speak my mind in a non-biased place where i can just be me and say the things which are crowding my brain...

i was having a conversation earlier, that perhaps the most lonesome part of the day is not when falling asleep but rather waking up and realizing one was alone. after a brisk bicycle ride home this evening, the thought kept crossing my mind over and over...and although originally i agreed with this opinion, now i beg to differ. the thing that is hardest is not the waking up, but for me the going home and realizing that there will be no one to snuggle next to...no one to say good night...no one to be warm against. the waking up is easy (shrugs her shoulders) - a new day, a new mindset, a new start to find that someone perhaps. i was told that going to sleep is easier, because one can always think of the day's happenings, they can roll over in one's mind and put you to sleep. i realize now that this is in actuality the saddest moment of the day - to lay there in bed, alone with no one to share the day's happenings...no one to tell how wonderful it was sitting by the water soaking the sun on your face, or to tell how much you miss the sound of the ocean or the feel of walking on sand dunes. it is much easier to begin a conversation in the morning, whether online or in person, than it is to end a conversation peacefully, to reach a point where nothing more need be said and the best thing is just to walk out the door. (careful pause)

-i had the most wonderful breakfast for dinner today...it restored my faith in believing without necessarily seeing.

-i had the most fascinating feeling of nostalgia at lunch today...it reminded me that there are people with values i once treasured so dearly.

-i wore an electric blue wig this evening for a short time...it was hot.

-i went to go check on a friend to make sure they didn't need a listening ear...it ended in peace, i think...

-i ate peanut m&m's today...i never eat peanut corrupted by chocolate...

-i had a girl to girl talk...how come i don't have more friends like this?

-i am home now, trying to get out all that is on my heart...the solution for not having a living, caring, soul to play with my hair as i fall asleep tonight...