kidnapping

hehe...some pictures of my gift for little julio...the care package is getting sent to germany today...a munkey of course, curious george in fact...got a lits very happy about that, but I don't think he realizes how young she is. But it seems that maybe in another year, we might have some more goats!

Now, today, Dad got a new puppy! He's Pyrenees and we think some kind of Lab, not sure if it's yellow, black, or chocolate Lab, we think black Lab, but I'll have to ask Dad. Dad named him Otis, off of the Andy Griffith Show, after Otis the Drunk. It's funny to me that we have a dog named Hennessey, after the cognac, and another dog named after a drunk. But hey, I didn't name the animals...

Anyway, Otis is 7 weeks old. he was kind of scared at first, when he got here, because he was born in a barn, and wasn't around people much. The only time he saw anyone was when they went out to feed him and the other dogs. So anyway, he seems to be doing OK now, and bonding with my dad. The last time I saw him, he was laying behind my dad's legs on the couch!

We're also watching my brother and his wife's puppy, her name is Angel Baby Girl, but we just call her Baby Girl, or Angel Baby, or sometimes just Angel. I usually just call her Baby Girl.

Otis and Baby Girl seem to like each other a lot, and the ot

coffee break #1005

just back from the last coffee run of the night before everything closes...back at my desk now, realizing how unproductive i've been all day...up till 7, slept till 2, talked, then ate, then ate some more...next thing i know here it is 11pm and not a single line has been drawn. but then again i realize i do that...have periods of gestation, where my brain is just working internally and there is nothing happening externally. after the gestation time is done, i can work for hours uninterrupted.

(15 minutes later) enamored with the love my coffee cup is showing me...forgot to get one of those coffee jackets this time and so the writing on the cup is revealed to me...it says-

the way i see it #30--the secret attraction is to love yourself. attractive people judge nether themselves nor others. they are open to gestures of love. they think about love, and express their love in every action. they know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe. --deepak chopra (author of "the spontaneous fulfillment of desire and other spiritual gestures)

and in smaller fine print

this is the author's opinion, not necessarily that of starbucks. to read more or respond, go to www.starbucks.com/wayiseeit

anyhow...it put a smile on my face...

how to become a genius in a lifetime or less

it's getting past that 3:30 mark where my drawing becomes extremely and very strangely clear...everything seems to work into place. plus, i'm listening to one of my favourite late night work songs [ xiu xiu ]'s "crank heart"...(i absolutely love the copyright trademark at the top of their webpage!) still trying to figure out exactly what the lyrics mean in this song, anyhow, it's one of xiu xiu's most energetic songs ever, i remember reading a review somewhere and for some reason the description has stuck in my head so vividly..."the track employs frenetic drum-machines, a pounding heartbeat and a twisted funhouse of synths"...one of those statements that was so eloquently put together and meaningful in every word. can you figure out what the lyrics mean? till then i will just play the song over and over and dance around in studio...

Telling your son a joke
He doesn't think is funny
“We’ll catch him unawares but
What if he doesn't wear underwear.”
Lighting it up
You were so cool
Her school colors
Black and light black
Giving it up
She has started
Your life’s colors
Black and light black
Getting your hair from under your bed
Breaking your fingers
Getting killed by a car
Before you can make him pay.

ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh

people have been slipping in little tidbits of smiles and laughter in the last couple days of my hard concentration...christmas lights, coffee breaks, temptations to go watch movies...but i have to tell you...this email i got this morning tops them all off...i nearly died in hysterics....note: the sound makes it so much funnier...

hi.  i just watched this via the morningnews.org and if the music is
anywhere near as wonderful as the video i just may have a new hero
/life mentor.  i don't have the speakers at work so volume-wise you
might want to turn it down.

oh, here's the link

[ http://he.fi/video/apache.mpg ]

you just wait til the girls come in.

jahred

munkey see, munkey do

all munkied out today just in time to come home (only one more hour till sunrise) and find my new ipod case. yeah! so excited...the last couple days i've been protecting my buttercup with the clear plastic and a myriad of drafting dots...so ghetto i tell you. anyhow...my eyes and even more so my lower back are hurting and i was going to stay awake, however, i can hear the birds chirping from outside my window and i don't know if i can handle sunrise...i might wimp out and succumb to the orange comforter you see in the background.

(yawn)



schoolwise, i'm actually feeling very happy with my progress the last two days. changing my schedule to the night time shift has helped a lot...in that way, i can avoid all sorts of conversation/gossip/drama that seem to keep floating my way. i should have started charging a therapist fee, i could have already paid off my up and coming summer excursions. anyhow, studiowork is going nicely and on schedule...more or less anyhow. we'll see how far i get tomorrow and then i'll have to make that assessment again.

ok...mind just went blank...time to take my jenn-time before i allow my eyes to close...

one tired yet extemely caffeinated brown haired girl feeling like quasimodo...desperately in need and in search of anyone willing to provide the healing abilities of medieval torture stretching...

inanimate happiness

so, it's true...inanimate all-white objects can provide the sense of affection and in many senses have a conversation with my emotions and thoughts...i believe it was yesterday, or the day before now, i don't know all the days are starting to blur together, anyhow....conversation went something like so---

me: i loooove my new ipod photo!!!! and i don't use the word love lightly...hehe
response: i'm glad you have found something to shower your affection on
me: yeah...but inanimate objects don't love back...that's the only sucky part
response: it could play you a song

i was doubtful that "buttercup" - the affectionate nickname i usually give to my favourite technological babies - would not be able to place that same genuine, sincere, from the pits of my heart feeling that say one gets when your hand is squeezed or fingers brush against your hair. i was wrong...a shuffled song, came to thru my earphones that made me recall last night's conversation/discussion about the paul virilio article below and the worries/addictions i might myself be victim to- being connected by computers, and saftey, hesitation, missing a face...somehow i found myself drifting into the song, just as any person might drift away in an actual physical conversation. and for a brief moment, "face time" was there and real for me because the memory was so vivid...so, my ipod took me on a nice little walk today, held my hand, and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. a treat which may even be better than ginger spice cookies.

ah yes, the song that it serenaded me with... [ "half light" by athlete ]---the important parts are here below...

the sun got stuck, as it's making it's way back down,
we find ourselves, in a familiar part of town

so when i see you next we'll make the most of it
tell the sun to start moving again

it's you and me connected to a satellite
it's you and me love through a machine
it's you and me connected to a satellite
it's you and me love through a machine

so when i see you next we'll make the most of it...

sweet dreams and ginger spice cookies (smiley face)

ginger spice cookies, pablo neruda, and christmas lights...the perfect bedtime combination.

dual realities

[ love and chance: a discussion with paul virilio ]

focus focus focus

well...it's about time. my concentration and focus has finally kicked into high gear and for the first time in what seems like weeks i actually feel productive. found out that my final studio review is next wednesday at 5...so until then, i will be intolerably mean and selfish with my time. only bathroom, food, coffee, and nap breaks for me this next week...oh yeah, somehow have to write a 12 page paper by next monday too...hmm, almost forgot about that.

i got my new toy today! so happy i was encouraged to make my "ipod devirginization" playlist last night so that i wouldn't be wasting fruitful minutes of time today doing so...i'm still waiting for my [ paul frank ipod ] case that i bought from ebay....can't wait for my munkey to arrive so i won't be so worried about my baby getting scratched...hehe, kind of reminds me of how little babies have to always have their hands covered so they don't scratch their own eyes/faces with their nails...

ugh...ok...time to get back to the light table and keep drawing...drawing, drawing, and drawing....that will be my life for the next week and a half....wow, and then i just realized i have nothing left to do after that...i have from the 4th till the 2oth of may absolutely free...where did this time come from? man, i really haven't been managing my time well...so much for actually using my pda...

little pieces of sunshine

lilacs

i feel like writing something, but there aren't any words that come to the forefront of my mind right now. sometimes it is good for me just to begin, and the thoughts will follow that need to surface. walking along the cobblestone streets today i was struck by the myriad of hanging lilacs that hovered above, clung to the side, and even reached out to grab me. the smell was amazing and led my eyes to later discover a small little alley courtyard. my hands are cold again, and i find myself needing a sweater...ever have those days where it would just be nice to hug and be hugged in silence? i don't know very many people who value affection as much as i do...sometimes i miss the comfort of just being able to lay my head on someone's lap and just feel the warmth of their leg on my cheek. on friday night i walked home in the rain...i was without umbrella and remember the raindrops falling on my wine red cheeks---the rain was comforting in the fact that it somewhat disguised my own water drops.

i'm just rambling on with no real direction here...i'm not looking forward to the week ahead of me, it will be long and tiresome...my body begins to ache for a much needed de-tensing of the shoulders...on a happy note though, tomorrow my own [ baby ] will arrive. yippee! another thing to keep my mind preoccupied from how much i am beginning to squirm with anxiety re: the coming finals & summer trip & in-between i don't know & montreal move...ugh...where are those flowers that i escaped into earlier today?

one line drawings

something i've been practicing this semester is the blind contour, whether from reality or picture...i'm having to go thru and sort for final work...these are a few from the collection (bad pictures manipulated with photoshop right now...will have to redo them sometime) but till that time...

---[ birthday dinner table ]
---[ on and thru the train ]

---[ gates around the lake ]

---[ laurie, the orange bag, and beyond ]
---[ orange chairs and yellow door ]


---[ spring trees ]
---[ spring, spring, more spring ]

---[ steerage, the band ]
---[ in careful thought ]

---[ waiting for the tunnel train ]

haha...i was in the process of looking for a card to send online...was thinking of a friend in california who needed a hug...anyhow---i came across these two finds below---haha, completely amusing....

take your pick of [ hug option #1 ] or [hug option #2 ]

skimming thru

just taking a break here in my drawing...and i was skimming thru my sketchbook. something i want to record for my own personal self...(pause) it is moments and entries like this that make me consider censorship...but then i wouldn't be true to myself, true to my own writing and my own life record...anyhow...a week ago i think now---

"it's been a long while since i've actually handwritten words from my heart onto a piece of paper...i have a graveyard of old journals with my scribbles...now there is just the machine that takes my fingers pushing them...the keyboard doesn't record the teardrops like the piece of paper once could...i felt so compelled last night to write again by hand as i lay in the comfort and warmth of my bed...embraced by my pillows on all sides, but here it is the next day and still the desire to write is in my hand.

i hibernated for the most part of today...lounging in the attire i went to sleep in last night, hair ruffled and tousled from the waking up. when i have a lot on my mind, a lot on my heart, a lot to accomplish, a lot to fulfill, a lot to desire---i clean, i organize, i putter, i take time and make it stand still...it may seem odd but have a thing i do in these overwhelming moments...there is an old fashioned alarm clock - complete with bells at the top - that my mother gave to me from our family trip to germany long ago...anyhow, as i was saying earlier, during moments of overwhelming, i release the switch on the back causing the hands to stand still...i guess this is my way of trying to slow things down...

anyhow, hibernating in the quietude of my room where time was standing still in this 12x12 square, a knock, knock, knock on the door came. the following was an awkward conversation between strangers, & really strangers in every sense that word can possess...it would have been simpler to meet and speak with a person whose face i really had never seen before in my entire life.

the question is - how could i, a person whose heart i beleve is filled with genuine compassion and care, have been driven to such an extreme so as to never desire/want/talk/know this stranger any longer...how can there just be absolutely no feeling (neither hate nor love)...such apathy astounds me...to what extremes have i been pushed and i have had to tolerate..."

shhh...

a little find today that quiets my mind amidst all things (oh...turn the music off, it's kind of cheesy annoying, suggestion---play your own soundtrack) - [ rob douglas ]

the sweet sorrow of parting

last night i decided to part with one of my most treasured possessions. the thought has never ever crossed my mind that it would ever leave my more-or-less immediate sight. however, in a moment of conversation last night, i looked up and realized that it was time to say good-bye. now, it is carefully wrapped in translucent violet and fighting its way through groping machinery along with the other white envelopes in the postal office. i hope it makes it to its destination safely and the bearer will appreciate the melancholiness of it all...

the beginnings of a favourite words list

m e l a n c h o l y
s a t u r n i n e
s a c c h a r i n e

stop the madness

ugh...i totally feel like i am being attacked from all sides today, sideways, up and down, diagonally...what did i do today that the entire universe is out to corner me and question everything that comes from my mouth, my hands, my everything? i've been good, concentrated and working hard, confined to my studio room with the door closed. but regardless, the knocks are endless and the bombardment inevitable. who am i that i have been the chosen one of mediating the middle situation/position and yet i get burned from both ends? not only so, but i write my frustrations down in order to leave all physical parties out, and even what i write is questioned. i feel like giving up today...no matter what i cannot win.

sleep

finally was able to get a decent night of sleep last night. wasn't riddled with strange dreams (well, only one anyhow). soundtrack for today:

scream :: imarobot
empty picture fram :: jets to brazil
half light :: athlete
t he blossoms :: badly drawn boy
this modern love :: bloc party
no ring on these fingers :: the bravery
memory machine :: the dismemberment plan
how many time (with this) :: dabrye
pictures in an exhibition :: death cab for cutie
no breaks :: the bravery
certain things you ought to know :: destroyer
truffle no shuffle :: dabrye
love :: elefant
what is the light? :: the flaming lips
paper thin walls :: modest mouse
shine acoustic :: muse
let's roll :: the stills
crank heart :: xiu xiu
psalm for the elks lodge last call :: the weakerthans

a strange mix of songs, probably a reflection of long conversations had with mom last night over relationships, past/present/future, the dissolution of relationships around me, the begininnings of relationships also around me, my own personal desires and the events and revelaing of characteristics of people in general that make me wonder if there really is anything as real trust and commitment in this world whatsoever. can we ever truly know the people that we trust our entire lives to? or is it always just such a leap of faith and a bearing of everything? me, being the hopeless romantic and masochist that i am, i believe it's possible...but somehow saddens me that there are so many other constituent factors that need be sifted thru as well, time, place, moment, choices...ugh...but for some reason, all this sadness is outweighed by hope...

there have been a few moments in my life when i have had that glimpse into happiness...and all the suffering, the heartache, the pain, the arguing, all the in-between moments of sh*t, as long as they don't outweigh those glimpses...well, it is worth it...this i do not doubt, because i have felt it...and i know there are those who need reassuring in this fact...notice my word choice, not possibility or fiction, but fact.

(slight tears well up) i don't know why my eyes are watery right now, too many emotions---a remembering, a hope for my friend, a wish for myself...ugh...i need to get this all out of me so that i can keep focus today and remain concentrated.

it is difficult sometimes being the only one who sees the world from my eyes...yes, words can share feelings and communicate experiences, however, they cannot make another being compeltely feel/see/understand a lifetime compilation that comprises me...there are few in this world that would take the time to even begin to travel on such an adventure...for those people that are willing to hold my hand and delve into me, i am waiting and am ever so grateful for you.

spring fever

so, the weather is warm and delightful now (the two weeks of springtime that feel like i'm back in california) and i'm having an extremely difficult time remaining focused and concentrated. there are times when i feel that my well-being is more essential, so being outside, riding my bike, laying on the grass, playing basketball, enjoying ice cream...these things are the things that make my heart happy. i'm having to readjust my entire time schedule so that i can take part in these daytime activities, and then force myself to work late into the evenings...it is worth it though...my spirit is a little bit lighter and my smile a little bit larger these last couple days...

on other sidenotes, i've been a little bit distracted, trying to help a friend cope with the difficult things going on in her life. reassuring her how proud i am for her speaking her voice, how important it is to sometimes not to "spare" another person in exchange for one's own personal sanity and being. i cannot imagine being in her shoes, the word marriage has yet to cross my path, much less the dissolution of marriage...even so, change, no matter how much it will benefit us, is never an easy thing...nonetheless, it is often times the most worthwhile and profound thing we can do for ourselves. never settle for anything less than you deserve, never become complacent, never accept things for the way they are entirely, never stop questioning how our own hearts can continue growing in compassion...

something to remember...yesterday i spent a short while at the cigar shop by the waterfront...i love the aroma of this place, not to mention all the brown, wooden cigar boxes, all shapes and sizes...the owner pulled out this tattered and worn little 3x4 notebook...the pages falling out, but so precious to him as his eyes lit up. inside, he had taped/glued the labels from an entire lifetime of cigar smoking...little scribbled notes below each label describing the taste, and smell, the mood that this particular cigar would fit, dates on which an important cigar was smoked. it was a beautiful little treasure.

in about an hour, i'm leaving to finally go watch [ sin city ]. so excited...a perfect way to end the leisurely weekend and begin the next 2 weeks of toturous deprivement of all life's pleasures. i'm hungry and am contemplating leaving studio now to go and nourish myself with some of my trader joe's splendor that i spoiled myself with...

oh yeah...you know the "time doesn't slow down for those who dream" song? i heard that song sometime in the recent past..and every once in a while the "hit me high/hit me low" part of the chorus would ring in my head...but i didn't know where it came from, or where i heard it...still cannot pinpoint where i heard it (and it's driving me crazy!)...anyhow, so happy that i've been enlightened...and now it's been playing non-stop as my good morning wake-up song, the last couple days anyhow...never fails to put a smile on my face...

6:47 wake up

i think the last time i woke this early was somewhere around the time of my chicago rendez-vous. this morning i had to play mom/good host for two friends that somehow ended up at my little home last evening...i suppose it is the least i can do,making toast & tea, serving jam and apple juice, since as they are now off heading to a day of work i am contemplating returning to my bed. (ah---the joys of being a student do make themselves apparent every now and again...)

aside from such rude cell phone alarm clock awakenings, i was greeted by the most fantastic of emails (yes, how sad is it that the first thing i do in the morning is check email...no matter the ungodly hour) anyhow...thoughts of stolen time, and brief (i mean breif) moments crossed my mind as i saw this---

---something wonderful to contemplate as i crawl back under the covers, and really for the first time in the last few days close my eyes with a smile upon my face that beams from within...

being quiet

today was a no-blog, no-calls, no-conversation kind of day...sometimes it is good to be quiet. spent much time reading today, for my own replenishment...wished i could go out onto a nice grassy hill somewhere and read on a blanket in the sun...but there wasn't so much sun, rather chilly in fact, and the green was still damp from yesterday's drizzle---

"In the experimental sphere I said to myself, 'Everything develops, differentiates, moving towards complexity and refinement and there are laws governing this progress. You are a part of a whole. When you know as much as possibble about the whole, and about the laws of its development, you will understand your place in the whole, and your own self.' Although I am ashamed to admit it, there was a time when I seemed to be satidfied with this. It was a time when I myself was developing and growing more complex. My muscles were growing and strengthening, my memory was richer, my capacity to think and comprehend was increasing. I was growing and developing, and, feeling this growth within myself, it was natural for me to believe that there was a law governing the world, in which I could find the answers to the questions of my life. But the time came when I stopped growing; I felt that I was no longer developing but was drying up, my muscles were growing weaker, my teeth falling out, and I saw that this law not only failed to explain anything to me, but then that there had never been and never could be such a law, and that I had taken for a law something which I had discovered in myself at a certain time of my life. I examined its definition more strictly, and it became clear to me that there could be no law of perpetual development. It became apparent to me that to say that in the infinity of time and space everything is developing, becoming more perfect, complex and differentiated, is really to say nothing at all. They are all words without a meaning, for in the infinite there is no simple and complex, no before and after, and no better or worse."

- leo tolstoy, "a confession"

beautiful mess

reminder to self: it is always good to see the beautiful in the mess of things...

double ugh

i'm a total stress case today...taxes on the brain, weather is sh*tty again, the impending summer is coming and that means i have to plan ahead....ugh...ok, first things first, time to go home and do the tax thing...wish me luck and lots of return!

my rejuvenation from failure

after everyone did their strawn-blown ink drawings, we unified them on the wall...a closer look...my straw drawing...with pastel orange ground of course...hamid's blind contour drawing of me in my ratty-i-don't-care-if-it-gets-dirty-t-shirt...my blind contours of hamid in return (the row on the left)...my favourite is the bottom one...why? if you look closely, you can see the traces of hamid holding my digital camera...and the product of his digital recording experience here...me under pressure drawing now...


[ see jenn draw ]

more munkey-loving

hehe...i was just given more mindless things to keep me entertained...anyhow, check out [ gorillaz ] new video "feel good" [ h e r e !! ] this is my happy song for the rest of the night...their website is all new and improved too, but i just do not have the time to be messing around with it tonite...this picture below is old, 2002 i think, but one of my favourite album covers ever...hmm...i wonder why?

the orange cup unites

the misha's coffee cup installation is continuing to make its rounds throughout the school...as a column in the staircourt, a wall in the library, a snake by the sitting bench...it even dares to make a nightly appearance from the balcony at the second floor...i missing a few of the installations from the last couple weeks...i'll have to get those pictures somehow...thanks must be paid to [ fei ] for the majority of these photos...

gmail finally rules

so yesterday i figured out how to finally forward all my hotmail to my gmail account. i know this may seem like a miniscule discovery, but i was ecstatic nonetheles...ok...so i slept too much and now i'm off to go for a bike ride, get some coffee, and then head to "work". aside from a little stint yesterday, i've been especially cheery and content as of late. i spent the other day for maybe two hours, chatting away with my mom on the phone . isn't free verizon-verizon call phone talking one of the best inventions ever for promoting family communication? she finally got my homemade birthday card, it appeared out of hiding from the bed of my scanner at school (ugh - i'm so forgetful sometimes...hmm...that reminds me she used to always tell me that when i was small). anyhow, it is exciting and made me happy to share my life highlights...when i was home last- (wow, has it really been new year's since i last saw my family?) i took my mom to the city (san francisco for all you non, northern california people who don't understand)---i made her wander the streets with me, through my favourite bookstores, coffee shops, we sat on benches and watched the people together, wandered the museum arm in arm. (sigh) i guess i'm just having one of those missing mom days...in actuality, i woke up today and was acting extrememly silly, and was reminded because she tells me even now, "i can still see that little girl jennie-pooh in you". thinking of that makes me smile and takes me back to a time when i would walk around the house with an analog-voice-recorder (oooh---analog) and sing into it...or at christmas time how i would spin in circles in my red pleated skirt round and round the christmas tree...or how i would carry the fake plastic yellow roses in my arm, red quilt tucked into my shoulders, aluminum foil crown on my head while grandpa announced my presene as "the queen of england"....(reminiscent smile)...and of course my other reminiscent memory is attached to something else red - my official LeGO suitcase filled with my entire collection, i think i still have that somewhere, i should find it, that would be so much fun on a rainy day.

hmm...i wish there was a way that i could put next to the title of my blog a permanent little fill-in-the-blank of what i was listening to at the moment of writing my entries. often times, i think when one writes, the complete and utter mood of what is written is dictated by the background music. i find myself at times typing to the beat, or stumbling off as i get lost in parts of a song.

hmmm...i think the shower is free now, meaning i can stop wasting my energies here and put them into something a little more worthwhile...like working for tomorrow's pin-up...for now, i will leave with one of my favourite paul klee (the taking a line for a walk originator) line/watercolour draiwngs...i think mom and i saw this at sfMOMA on our day of leisure actually...(big smile)

turning forward time

just doing some late night reading catch-up in the design world and i came across this interesting little gadget -[ a device which turns back time/vice versa speeds it up ]...oh no...i am starting to post gadgetry in my blog (someone must be rubbing off on me a little...gol) anyhow...here is the actual site from the [ RCA interaction design students ]...very intriguing i think...

extremely tired

i don't know why, but all of a sudden about 4 hours ago, my body and eyes became overwhelmed with extreme fatigue. i came home early because the air at studio was stifling...there was hardly anyone there tonight...being home seemed so much more appealing...perhaps one factor in my down-ness had something to do with the fact that i was rejected by starbucks today, can you imagine? they didn't have my caffeine of choice and i refused to get anything else...guess i'm feeling stubborn and slightly cranky today. residual punishment still from last night's breaking my self imposed no-drinking-for-two-weeks rule. if only i had listened to my inner-conscience (shakes her head with disappointment in herself)...sigh...

an entire friday's worth of soundtrack

so...[ h e r e ] is the beginning of my friday...a completely random, quick & dirty, soundtrack to keep me occupied for hours and hours...there is no mood to it, just songs that i haven't listened to in awhile, songs that make me happy, songs that i don't even remember what they sound like...so much to do...but at least i won't get distracted in trying to figure out what i want to listen to. yesterday, my inner-geek was forced to come out and explore even more technology detached/attached forms of communication. it was pretty funny and dare i say the word - cute. ugh...ok...must get the playlist started and begin working...

contemplation on wheels

the first day of ever so beautiful weather and i can smell the flowers in the air, made me want to ride my bicycle round and round the city and never stop...

hugs all around

thoughts for the day:

1 can't believe i haven't seen badly drawn boy's video the [ year of the rat ]...makes me want to love and be loved. not to mention another one of my recent [ astralwerks ] favourites [ athlete ]---too bad i'll be in italy when they finally make it to d.c. bummer.
2 last night new territory was broken, and barriers breached. it is a wonderful reflection to look back and see the progression of any relationship/friendship growing. i do not feel that these deepenings are often appreciated by people...for the most part, the general public takes for granted the presence of special individuals in their lives...perhaps the right words are not known to say, or personal pride hinders them...whatever the case, it is essential for me to say that i'm thankful for whatever relationship i share, even if it means not fully understanding that companionship in the least bit. to feel my heart light again, to catch myself smiling when i see a robot, to long for the smell of roses, to worry if someone is getting enough sleep or needs their back scratched to relieve stress, to be excited and think random thoughts in the middle of the day---these are the things for which i am thankful. i feel a little sliver/splinter of blessedness/contentment within me...it restores within me faith in something i was beginning to think impossible in human nature.
3 i was able to get a moment of joyfulness as i ran down the outside steps and played whiffle ball for a brief minute. the air was so nice out today, and twilight began to fall walking back from [ misha's ].
4 the cherry blossom's are nearly at full bloom...this weekend will be that wonderous time of year that i actually enjoy being a washingtonian. [ peak bloom ] is between april 8 & 9...just perfect for plenty of weekend snapshots to share with those who cannot be here in person.
5 it's oh-so-late now...and a case of insomnia has hit me these last few days. too much staying up late...and i guess my mind seems slightly cluttered. a lot of thinking about how i want to approach architecture for the rest of my life, multiple friends relaying messages of unexpected babies (yikes!), friends who want separation/divorce from loveless marriages, trying to figure out moving for the summer and what i'm going to do with all my "stuff", not to mention the crap that keeps piling up (i.e. taxes/bills/laundry...) --- all these things desperately make me want to retreat to sleep, however, it doesn't happen...my mom used to always play with my hair at moments like this when i was small, maybe that would help...too bad no one is around...

dignity & shame

Cover me in mud and leaves
I won't be the one to fail you
I'm a thousand gargoyles standing by your window
To be sure there ain't no cure
There could be no one to save you
When the bad boys come to do you in again

So when they tell you things that you don't want to know
Or take you back to places you don't want to go
You've got to bury that knife
Keep your face in the light
Because there's one thing they cannot do
Is take from you what you keep in mud and leaves

And if you walk, walk away
Save yourself you've got something to lose
And if you give what they take
You can bet they will take it from you

You're not the same as the day that you came
You can choose dignity or shame
You've got to bury your bones where you want in the ground
Where they will not be found by the leeches youre keeping alive

There's a man in your hand
He's got nothing good to sell you
And he's smashing a violin against your bed
To be sure there ain't no cure
He comes creeping back to beg you
As a thousand gargoyles crash into his head

And then that feeling comes you've been here once before
That wicked feeling you don't want to feel no more
You've got to bury that knife
That you keep stuck in your side
Before they dig that knife into you
And break into what you keep out of their reach

And if you walk, walk away
Save yourself you've got nothing to prove
And if you give what they take
You can bet they will take it from you

You're not the same as the day that you came
You can choose dignity or shame
You've got to carry your heart like a torch in the night
Little keeper of light burning deep burning bright in the dark

[ Crooked Fingers ]

words by pessoa

"To live is to be someone else. Feeling is impossible if we feel today as we felt yesterday: to feel today the same thing we felt yesterday is not to feel at all - it's merely to remember today what we felt yesterday, since today we are the living cadaver of yesterday's lost life.

Erasing everything in the picture from one day to the next, being new with each new dawn, in a perpetual revirginizing of emotions - that, and only that, is worth being or having in order to be or to have what we imperfectly are.

This is the first sunrise in the world. Never before did this pink-turning-yellow-turning-hot-white settle onto the facade with which the houses on the West, full of glassy eyes, face the silence that comes in the growing light. This time of day never took place before, nor did this light, nor did this being of mine. Tomorrow, whatever is will be something else, and whatever I see will be seen by recomposed eyes full of new vision.

High mountains of the city! Great architecture the steep hills hold up and glorify, jumbles of piled up buildings, which the light weaves together out of shadows and burns - today you are, today you are I, because I see you being whatever and I love you from the railing, like a ship that passes by anotehr ship, and there are unknown nostalgias in the voyage." Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet, Section 75 (05.18.1930)

[ silver balloons ]
[ cloud knife ]
[ tunnel pass ]
[ ocean waves ]

dumbarton oaks

wandering thru dumbarton oaks a couple weeks ago...see the green and colour starting to appear? my favourite part of the entire garden was this stone paving...how much fun would that have been to lay this?

a note from a dear friend

Hey pug, it was really, really cool to meander the crooked line with you last night, it was fun. We should keep it up. : )

Hm, I can still feel the "romeo & julieta" cigar on my teeth, not a nice aftertase. But it was nice too, somehow it feels nice at the moment. I am more free whenever I come to your house then all the rest of the days away from it, and in a way it is sad, but also way cool, because it is nice to have a place where you can feel like that.

Ok, it's about time to do lunch/dinner thing.....and get this day started with even though the after noon has begun.

Kiss.

oh-so-happy-now

[ this is going to be a major highlight for a very, very, very long time... ]

definite giggle out loud

i found this funny picture online somewhere ages and ages ago...made me laugh and wanted to share its humor...

naps, breezes, & applause

(first off, let me tell you that kylie minogue's song "can't get you out of my head" complete with video playing continuously in my mind's eye right about now...ugh, i'll be singing it all day now)

this weather is playing with my emotions...one day, beautiful, spring in the air, short-sleeve shirts and skirts alike, then the next day raining and grey, overcast and cold. i was wakened by an illinois friend text messaging my phone at noon today. yes, noon i said...i would have slept more even (that's what happens when you go 3 days with 8 hours sleep dispersed between them) actually, i was able to sneak in a little nap yesterday...after turning in things for all my respected deadlines, aatif (my friend who will also be travelling to mcgill in the fall) asked me if i would like to go to baltimore to drop off his RTKL fellowship application. i pondered awhile and realized it was such a beautiful day out...plus that would mean 45 minutes both ways of potential car-nap time. as soon as i thought nap, i was responding with a resounding yes!

the waterfront area was beautiful and breezy, i love the refreshing wind on blue skied days (one of my favourite weather conditions). there was a miniature pier that jutted out from just behing RTKL's offices, which reminded me of the long pier i walked on chicago's beach. (pause as i reminisce almost falling overboard---gol)

(ugh...i just got up to go do something, tripped and fell right over my headphones, breaking them completely...i must not be fully awake and have control over my motor-coordination yet...bummer)

today is really the first day that i feel i can write here without feeling rushed or with other thoughts impending on my mind. which is nice for once. i miss this being a place to record my daily highlights.

[ j a h r e d ] - a kindred, thoughtful spirit, a.k.a. my studio neighbor behind the imaginery saloon doors and bearer of all things twizzler, commented on reading my writings here...and it made me smile. he left a get well comment the other day and since i didn't have his email address, he came up with the brilliant idea that i could have just posted something in return...so here i am...posting a note to say that your twizzlers are not going unappreciated.

yesterday afternoon/evening, there were not 1 but 2 thesis defenses...meaning lots of wine/a keg/and food a-plenty to go around...and much celebration and merriment. at the end of nearly everyone's defense, a loud round of applause and appreciation resounds in the room, and i feel the tears well up in my own heart/eyes. i am not sure why this is, is it because i'm happy someone else's hard work is being recognized, is it because i can feel the relief that has been lifted from their shoulders from completion, or is it because i imagine myself in a year being in their position, looking out at all the familiar faces and knowing that my time here has not gone unwarranted and it means an inevitable end in another chapter of my life...

tired of writing

[ i n t e n t i o n s o f s e r e n d i p i t y ]

urban monastic living